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And then there was unease.
It's back. With all certainty, the itch to write has finally returned. Not that I couldn't make something happen if I needed it to or was bored enough to write more of my poetry. But this is different. This is journal entries and original fiction and a bit of fan fiction creeping in. I haven't used it yet, but I'm plotting and planning.
I felt it two days ago as I lay on my bed and had just finished devouring "Princess Mia" in mere hours. It was this sort of strange tingle at first, but it grew and there it was. I don't think that I've been as thrilled about my writing side in a little while. Well, outside of the 100 word prompt table I drew up for myself, but have only had false starts on it thus far.
What I need, without a doubt, is time and space to write. And now that the library is open again and I don't have to slum for the worst hours every day, I just might be able to get that done.
Work and home life are Not Great, as usual. The fridge went out and my mom is rockin' the ice it down method. She demanded that I give her money for ice and I told her, as I did four days ago when the fridge quit, that we need to get a new fridge. I told her that I'd be willing to invest in something that will stick around a bit long than a bag of ice. Besides, I've written off all of my expensive food as trashed, because I can't stand to dig through it and watch it rot.
Work is it's usual horrible self with every bit of encouragement to quit and give up. And I have to say, that I feel very close to it. I've moved past not wanting to work extra shifts to nearly calling in on my own. I can't afford to quit right now, but can I really afford to continue to torture myself this way? How much of this can I really take? Some days, I almost wish that they would fire me already, but mostly I know that I can't wholehearted wish for that, because we are being kept afloat by my meager wages.
I'm just exhausted.
This is not helped by my recent lack of sleep. I'm talking about me not being able to get to sleep until five or six in the morning and then having to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I don't know how I can keep going like this, because it's worn me out.
What I need to do is finish up here and then go home for a nice, long nap. You know, despite my copy of Crisis Core and its guidebook not being there waiting on me, even though my eBay seller received payment a week ago and are located here in the US.
Then, there's the fact that the best pair of earphones I have ever owned in my entire life were broken on Monday, because I was trying to listen to some stupid girl go on about how she wanted to stalk her ex-boyfriend/baby‘s father. It seems that everything that she does when it comes to him is stupid. I know that I should be all understanding, but I've been understanding and, frankly, I don't have any sympathy left for her. I can't say that I have it for any girl that hangs around with some idiot guy who sold drugs, pimped out a woman who was in love with him, ran around with fuck knows who, all while he's living with someone he claims that he is going to marry. I mean, what is up with people's drama these days?
I know that I bitch a lot, but I'm just so overtaken with my feelings of not being satisfied. I know that I should just shut and pay my bills or find something else, but it is never that cut-and-dry. I guess the same way that it is for Tiffany, aka 'some stupid girl.' But even so, the root of my problems will come back to me and my inability to overcome bullshit, to overcome my ego and my apathy and my apparent masochism. It all comes down to me; but, I have to wonder, will I give myself the help I truly need?
On an LJ note, it looks like the LJ staffers have finally learned their lesson and are going to drop the whole child porn and related craziness. I swear to god, if they do and stick to it, I'll go renew my Paid account right now. I'll keep this journal, but I always have to go over there anyway, because not everyone moved to a different site when LJ lost their shit.
I think that I'll go piddle around on Neopets and see if there are any CDs I want to listen to here. I can rip them, transfer the songs over to my PSP, and I'm in business. Oh! I don't think that I wrote about it yet, but I bought a PSP off of eBay specifically to play Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core and I am still learning all of the cool stuff that it and my laptop can do. It's just too bad that my laptop's integrated microphone decided to cop on me. Bastard.
Even so, the other stuff that I know how to use works fine and I got my PSP's software updated last night with the help of Chris, which was awesome. Now, I just need to finish Transformers: The Game and await CC's arrival.
I just went and tried to bring up my original journal from when I was 17, and the site is down. I'm absolutely panicking, because I didn't have a back up of that journal anywhere and I just lost six years of my life just. like. that.
My chest hurts. . .
Danielle
I felt it two days ago as I lay on my bed and had just finished devouring "Princess Mia" in mere hours. It was this sort of strange tingle at first, but it grew and there it was. I don't think that I've been as thrilled about my writing side in a little while. Well, outside of the 100 word prompt table I drew up for myself, but have only had false starts on it thus far.
What I need, without a doubt, is time and space to write. And now that the library is open again and I don't have to slum for the worst hours every day, I just might be able to get that done.
Work and home life are Not Great, as usual. The fridge went out and my mom is rockin' the ice it down method. She demanded that I give her money for ice and I told her, as I did four days ago when the fridge quit, that we need to get a new fridge. I told her that I'd be willing to invest in something that will stick around a bit long than a bag of ice. Besides, I've written off all of my expensive food as trashed, because I can't stand to dig through it and watch it rot.
Work is it's usual horrible self with every bit of encouragement to quit and give up. And I have to say, that I feel very close to it. I've moved past not wanting to work extra shifts to nearly calling in on my own. I can't afford to quit right now, but can I really afford to continue to torture myself this way? How much of this can I really take? Some days, I almost wish that they would fire me already, but mostly I know that I can't wholehearted wish for that, because we are being kept afloat by my meager wages.
I'm just exhausted.
This is not helped by my recent lack of sleep. I'm talking about me not being able to get to sleep until five or six in the morning and then having to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I don't know how I can keep going like this, because it's worn me out.
What I need to do is finish up here and then go home for a nice, long nap. You know, despite my copy of Crisis Core and its guidebook not being there waiting on me, even though my eBay seller received payment a week ago and are located here in the US.
Then, there's the fact that the best pair of earphones I have ever owned in my entire life were broken on Monday, because I was trying to listen to some stupid girl go on about how she wanted to stalk her ex-boyfriend/baby‘s father. It seems that everything that she does when it comes to him is stupid. I know that I should be all understanding, but I've been understanding and, frankly, I don't have any sympathy left for her. I can't say that I have it for any girl that hangs around with some idiot guy who sold drugs, pimped out a woman who was in love with him, ran around with fuck knows who, all while he's living with someone he claims that he is going to marry. I mean, what is up with people's drama these days?
I know that I bitch a lot, but I'm just so overtaken with my feelings of not being satisfied. I know that I should just shut and pay my bills or find something else, but it is never that cut-and-dry. I guess the same way that it is for Tiffany, aka 'some stupid girl.' But even so, the root of my problems will come back to me and my inability to overcome bullshit, to overcome my ego and my apathy and my apparent masochism. It all comes down to me; but, I have to wonder, will I give myself the help I truly need?
On an LJ note, it looks like the LJ staffers have finally learned their lesson and are going to drop the whole child porn and related craziness. I swear to god, if they do and stick to it, I'll go renew my Paid account right now. I'll keep this journal, but I always have to go over there anyway, because not everyone moved to a different site when LJ lost their shit.
I think that I'll go piddle around on Neopets and see if there are any CDs I want to listen to here. I can rip them, transfer the songs over to my PSP, and I'm in business. Oh! I don't think that I wrote about it yet, but I bought a PSP off of eBay specifically to play Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core and I am still learning all of the cool stuff that it and my laptop can do. It's just too bad that my laptop's integrated microphone decided to cop on me. Bastard.
Even so, the other stuff that I know how to use works fine and I got my PSP's software updated last night with the help of Chris, which was awesome. Now, I just need to finish Transformers: The Game and await CC's arrival.
I just went and tried to bring up my original journal from when I was 17, and the site is down. I'm absolutely panicking, because I didn't have a back up of that journal anywhere and I just lost six years of my life just. like. that.
My chest hurts. . .
Danielle
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