Danielle's Other Other OTHER Online Journal

Update, but no progress

2009-10-30T20:59:13Z

I'm all over the place these days. I'm still working, but I'm more on my last leg than I ever was. At least, for a long time now. I've never looked forward to going to work, but since the manager change, it's been even more so. I'm looking at my options and I've printed out numerous copies of my resume, but I'm completely lost. I really don't know what to do. *sighs*

I'm more depressed than anything else.

And this is exactly what this is, my depression and anxiety going untreated. I would love more than anything to be on medication and possibly have a nice stint in a lovely, controlled nuthouse somewhere. Or maybe just see a therapist, but I could use almost any reason to get away from daily life. I just can't afford any of that.

Am headed back to work for my second shift of the day and will try not to go crazy. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's (Saturday, October 31, 2009) potentially offensive costume. I do look rather cute in it, if I do say so. Which I do. :)

Danielle

Star Trek Halloween... Finally!!!!!!

2009-10-30T20:11:41Z

I finally went out to snag a Halloween costume and what should I stumble upon? Trek costumes, of course. And... Michael Jackson, but this post isn't about him or vampires or race car drivers or any of that other stuff I didn't take pictures of.

It's about Trek and our local contributions to starting the little ones on their lifetime journey of loving ST.

<-- Is this your kid??? It should be!

So this is the bigger version of Spock One. It's a preview of a costume they're supposed to be selling for kids and have stocked in the back, but if I'm reading the pictured list correctly, you're supposed to magickally find all of this stuff yourself. *shrugs*

This is the adult Uhura costume they have to offer, which you also have to somehow magickally put together yourself. Something about Uhura is different, but I can't quite put my finger on it...

This is the stand alone ST display that had the trio on it. First was Spock on top ~~where he should be~~ and both Kirk and Uhura under him the way I like them</strike>. For some reason, no one seemed to like Uhura as much, since they knocked her on the ground... :(

Also, it seems that both the Federation and the Jedi Council use the same manufacturer, because these pistols looks strangely familiar to the phasers.

Oh, that trip to Brazil. . .

2009-05-14T20:57:05Z

I meant to note this yesterday, but between the heat, my aching stomach, and my aching hooha, I just couldn't focus long enough to do so. I eventually dragged my sorry self home and had a nice lie down.

And then today came along with interesting Twittering and that damned Neopets, which NEVER fails to suck me in. I mean, seriously. I've risked being late for work and missing buses for Neopets. It's just so damned addictive and I didn't originally want to look at it. Only after much pressuring from Chark did I give in and sign up. Now, it's been over three years and I don't see myself giving up the habit anytime soon.

Anyway! I finally took my long awaited trip to Brazil . . . in my pants!

I've only been waxed one time on my eyebrows, but I have been wanting to ditch the lady hairs for ages. I've tried shaving, which always leads to cuts and sketchy results. I know that some folks work their way in, but I decided to go for having absolutely NOTHING to put up with in that area. Lady hairs really are a pain and clean up always takes longer.

So I did it and it hurt like hell. The wax was too hot, I think, but the woman doing it was awesome. She even complimented my ability and technique on being able to hold my legs in the air a certain way. Some of her exact words included "Cirque du Soleil." Hurray!

Since she kept going over the same area multiple times, there was a bit of light bleeding and scabbing. Not to mention the fact that I could barely stand or walk for most of yesterday following the waxing. There were also the painful stray bits of wax and hair still clinging on. Youch. I do feel better today, for the most part.

Also included in my hair-booting spree, I finally got around to Veeting my legs and stomach and shaving my underarms. All of those hairs don't usually go completely crazy, but enough so that it would be noticeable if someone looked. And believe me, people are always freaking looking! Because of that, I tend to become a bit hair-obesessed when I think about it. And all due to the shallowness I'm forever surrounded by. Why do we let other people make us crazy?

*huff*

Chris has absolute no idea that I had the waxing done yesterday or that I ditched the other more annoying forms of body hair. I can't wait to see his surprized face. =D Not that he's never seen my legs hairless, just my hooha.

Anyway, this is going to have to be a hit-and-run journaling, because I took so long to settle into writing a bit today.

Now to dash off to work. Hopefully, there won't be more skin rubbing than I can handle. Chaffing friggin' sucks!

Danielle

dmitchell1985 @ 2009-04-23T16:01:00

2009-04-23T21:01:58Z

I have been an awful journal keeper.

All due to several factors.

I'm either working crazy hours, busy doing something else, or punishing myself.

Writing to me has always been my release, that little something that keeps me on even keel. However, as I am the queen of bottling things up, avoidance, and emotional masochism, I would opt to squash my desire to write or work magick or do any number of things. To say that it has merely affected the quality of my life and my overall happiness these past few years or so, would be insult to the word 'understatement'. I mean, is there even a word for such a grievous lack of personal regard?

I don't know it off the top of my head if it exists.

So, it's just me, Danielle.

And it seems that every so often, as life is wont to do, it's provided me with a wall that I simply cannot get past. Not continuing on the way I have, that is. I've definitely made a first step to try and get myself where I need to be. All I want after everything I've seen and done and gone through is to just be happy in some measure and to be able to pay ALL of my bills with money left over.

I know that seems like a lot to ask for someone attempting to survive this economy with only a high school degree to her name, but I still have shit I need to do. It's not like I can simply take off and go to college, when I need to work to support my family. It's not like I can get from one place to another easily on the bus, since it comes whenever it feels like it. All the bitching and complaining in the world cannot force the buses to show up on time. I know, I complain religiously.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me scraping together enough money to buy a car and work on getting my license. It leaves me exasperated and slightly belligerent if anyone so much as criticizes my life. Because after all, they aren't doing spit to help me, just nitpicking and I don't feel like listening to anything they have to say.

I'm giving up everything I have every wanted to do to live the crappy life I lead. I hate my job and my co-workers. I still don't like people, because they are idiotic whack jobs with entitlement issues. Despite all of this, I have stuck with my 'vow' to stick to the next job I landed after not working and starving for a year following that damned concession gig. But I must say, 2 and a half years at a job I loathe is pretty good for me. Abusive boyfriend tendencies aside, this job is the longest relationship I've had with any group of people outside of my family or the bands I like. Sometimes, I just don't know what to make of that.

In the boyfriend area, which needed to be updated and examined ages ago, I had a couple in the past six months. It's the darned thing, too.

Justin, the go-around-again-boyfriend, and me stuck it out for four months until I finally called a spade a bad boyfriend. I didn't love him, knew that I never would, and Justin just couldn't seem to get his shit together. It was like he didn't truly want to move forward in life. Sure, he kept going on about making a rap album and being a musician, but not being to stop smoking pot for two seconds to be able to pass a drug test to snag a decent paying gig wasn't doing him any favors. He knew it, but it was his addiction and his place to snuff out, not mine. And I don't care what potheads say, pot is a drug and you can be addicted to it, just like anything else in life. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a market for "cleansers" or clean urine.

Then, there is Chris, my current boyfriend. It feels so lame to just call him that, when I know that he is so much more. Chris and have done the back and forth for over two and a half years. I've written about him, but I mostly wrote him off. I had to force myself to, even though I knew we were meant to be.

I don't understand the whole soul mate thing as well as I wish I did, but part of that comes from my lack experience with relationships. I simply haven't seen enough happy ones in my life.

I knew, when we met, that Chris is supposed to father my children. We complement one another perfectly. Sure, we have some snags, because this is his first relationship and he has true issues, not to mention my own, but we're making a go of it. I don't know how this is going to play out, but I am hoping for the best. I am especially encouraged by the fact that I can talk to Chris about anything. I can confess anything to him and he'd accept me. I have been looking for someone like this for so long, that I started to believe they didn't exist.

Out of my top three people, one being Chris, the other being Justin, and the other being a girl I could never end up with, Chris is the one I think might be mine. True, there are his family issues like his dad being hostile and his mom accusing me of giving him AIDS or some other nasty STD and my money issues and general anger, but most of the time it's just so good. I am forever anxious to see him, to be with him, to just be near him and have him wrapped around me. And I can tell he feels the same way. Not only from his actions, but because he tells me so.

Then, there is the sex. I'm finally having sex regularly with someone I love. I NEVER thought that would happen. I mean, ever. How this happened, I don't know, but I'm glad that it did. With the exception of most bodily fluids, nothing is off limits between us. That is another thing I never thought I'd find. I figured I'd always have to feel unsatisfied sexually, because I simply don't have as many reservations as most people. I might be hesitant because I've never tried something before and may not know exactly how to do it, but I'm definitely willing to try. And Chris, my Chris, is just like me. It's not even simply him being willing to try certain things, it's him asking me, begging me to do things I never thought I'd get the chance to do.

I feel perfectly contented thinking about it; knowing that my 'wild' co-workers don't have spit on me. They have no idea and that's the way I like it.

Well, I need to do a few things more before I head in to work. I should be all finished up, but I'm not because I'm a hobo. But what else is new?

Heh.

Actually, damn near everything.

Hopefully, my driving permit will have come in, as I need to have it in hand to start on the road to where I need to be.

Danielle

I haven't done this in ages. . .

2008-12-11T21:52:12Z

I haven't been around to write even the tiniest bit. Both physically and emotionally. It's a whole thing that I need to get into, but don't actually have time to do so.

A couple of things before I head out to work. Yesterday (Wednesday, December 10, 2008), I walked home in the SNOW with the biggest fucking smile on my face. We haven't had even small flurries for four years and it had been absolute ages before that. This go-round, the flurries were HUGE! Like the cliche, snow-deprived Texan that I am, I saved a couple of the snowballs from our (mine and the neighbors') snowball fight in a food storage container in my freezer. I can't wait to show my mom, and anyone else that might happen to stroll by.

I have been slowly eaten away from by plotbunnies for both fandom things and my own original fiction. It has long since been past time for me to write down some of the story lines that I've jotted down and/or continue to swim unreleased in my head. The fact that my flash drive containing damn near all of my jotting bits was stolen isn't helping the matter, but I'm trying not to dwell.

I have, however, been drowning myself in Neopets, because I just love that site too damn much for my own good. There's work and Justin and just everything, but I really need to come back on a day when I can sit and write.

Danielle

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In August I helped eponis across the street (6 points). In October sadiecross and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In November I turned tobi_wankenobi in for farting in church (3 points). Last Friday I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). Last Wednesday I gave gothatheartholo a kidney (1000 points).

Overall, I've been nice (1039 points). For Christmas I deserve a new dolly!

Sincerely,
dmitchell1985

Bye-Bye, Baby.

2008-07-11T21:25:29Z

Note: Originally written Thursday, July 10, 2008.

________

So the laptop's gone bye-bye. I sold it on Monday to a jerk that I wanted to slap every time he asked me a nitpicky question about superficial scratches or tried to knockdown the price some more. I wanted $550 for the thing, but only got $525. *shrugs* What can you do, right?

When he called, he hesitantly said that he could only do $500 and I told him 'no' flat out. I then offered to meet him halfway, because he sounded rather pathetic. He told me he'd think about it and call me back. He eventually called me back not long after that and I tried to get him to meet me Downtown in a public place, like the library. But the son of a bitch insisted! that we meet at my house. I had plans to come back out after he left, because I wasn't expecting the sale to take very long. Not only did I go out of my way to go back home and nicely pack everything up, he kept me waiting over 30 minutes for him to arrive.

When he got there, he was all attitude and disappointment; like I would be this hot little wisp of a thing that he could hit on and knock the price down some more. I'm not, so I guess that crimped part of his negotiation style.

Good.

Even so, he still tried to haggle, when we'd already agreed on a price. I then explained that I had already knocked more than $200 dollars off of the price I paid for the damned thing, but this guy was all about him. He went on a long spiel about technology changing every day and that my computer wasn't worth what it was when I bought it and that a similar computer was on sell at Best Buy, where I bought my computer. The long and short of it was that he hoped to convince me that my computer was basically worthless and that I should just give him the deal that he wanted. He then went on about cars losing half of their value once they're off the lot. That had nothing to do with us, so I wasn't trying to hear that.

He even stated that he could pay what I wanted for the computer, but that he didn't want to. I asked him why would he answer an ad asking for more than he wanted to pay. He snipped and decided to be evasive.

We did a back and forth where he made out like he wasn't going to buy my computer from me and I was fed up and wasn't going to sell it to him. I probably should have waited a little bit longer on people to respond back to my ad. I turned down about five other people because I took the first person who responded back to me.

This experience has helped to continue to sour me on dealing with foreign men. It might sound racist to say so, but dealing with money with foreign men always spells trouble. They're so used to the rules from back home. The rules that say things like women are property and men are king. To that, I say go back home for that kind of treatment. I worked hard and saved up for months to pay for my computer and it was uncomfortable as it was to sell it.

A tiny part of me was glad that it was gone, but most of me was sad that my still unnamed baby was gone. I couldn't help but sulk that night. I felt sick, because I knew sooner or later the jerk would start calling to get his money back, even though we both signed a written agreement that included the words “sold as is.” He had already laughingly griped that he should have made me fix the computer's software before he consented to buy it. I just gave him a general 'ah, well' and moved on.

And he did indeed call repeatedly the very next day (Tuesday, July 8, 2008). I missed his earlier calls because I was at work, but the later ones came while I was on my little break between my scheduled shift and the one I worked as a favor to my ungrateful managers. I really should have gone, "You're screwed, so fuck you." But then, that wouldn't help me accomplish my goal to go into overtime this week. I'm already at 18 hours and I have four more days to work. Way to stick it to the man, Danielle.

I checked out a couple of books a few days ago and I'm completely wrapped up in "The End of Manners: A Novel" by Francesca Marciano. I also got "Passion at Work: How to Find Work You Love and Live the Time of Your Life" by Lawler Kang and Mark Albion, which I have started reading, too. I am always drawn in to articles and books written about and/or by people living in the Middle East or India or Asia. It's just something about the insiders’ peek at a different culture that I have always loved and longed for.

True, on the surface, I never share my desire to get to know different kinds of people from all corners anymore, because said people tend to shun black women, but it's still there. It's like this thing that's never completely gone away. It was must certainly be the force behind my love of learning about different kinds of religions from around the world and throughout different time periods. It is endlessly fascinating to me.

There is still the issue of my Inbox, which I'm not tackling very well. This is still mostly due to the limited amount of time I have online these days. I either don't get online or only have just enough time to write here. Seeing as I am ruthlessly -- sadistically! -- depriving myself of the chance to just write, I like funneling myself back into my journal and into reading actual books. I've been spoiled on saving fan fiction into word processing files and reading them at my leisure for hours on end. I thought about this on and off and pondered the fact that I never read actual books anymore. I missed it to some extent, but I loved my fan fic.

Now, it's easier to go back to books once I know what to read. I've been out of the loop so long, that I didn't know a good book to search for. The not-having-a-library-card for at least three years or more didn't help matters either. The having-to-wait-in-a-long-line-besides-book-displays helped to move matters along.

I am also pleased that The Pierces' Thirteen Tales of Love and Revenge finally showed up from the hold I placed on the CD ages ago. It got here before Nelly Furtado's Folklore, which was very surprising. I wasn't expecting TToLaR for weeks yet, while I had been expect FL almost immediately because this disk was in stock and there wasn't a hold in front of mine like with TToLaR. *shrugs*

Either way, my plan to use my computer to transfer the songs over to my PSP is bust, since I no longer own a computer. I actually had to purchase batteries for my/my mom’s old CD player. Oy.

Time's almost up here, so I'll need to be headed out soon.

Danielle

It's just me.

2008-07-06T21:08:24Z

I'm due at work to cover Judy's shift in just over an hour. I swapped out with her when I saw last Friday who I'd be working with on the next week’s schedule
. The last time I worked with that person, they helped trigger that anxietyattackwhatitwas on Friday the 13th. I couldn't risk that happening again, so I bailed ASAP. That, and I just don't like to work with him. He drives me absolutely crazy.

I haven't really used the laptop since it freaked out on me. I looked into returning it, but Best Buy has such a crap return policy of only two weeks. Guh. I'm thinking of selling it and buying another one or using the money to buy a car, which I REALLY need. It really is about time that I saved up properly and bought myself a car so that I can get around the city and out of it when the desire to roam hits me.

And it does.

So hard that it suffocates me.

I can’t live through other people forever. After all, it is my dream to travel and do something with myself and my life before I die.

I am also thinking about bribing someone to help me with the damned thing. To take a look at it and tell me exactly what software I need to buy to fix the damned thing.

All in all, this experience has actually been. . . freeing. I have been carrying around and protecting a heavy laptop for nearly three months straight. Now, I’m back to no strings and the kinda fun of public computers. You know, apart from all of the germs that freak me out when I think about it or rub my face without thinking first. I definitely miss being about to eat and drink in the library when I use my own laptop. I guess that I might still be able to do so, but I wouldn’t dare on the library computers. I’ve been trained too well by all of the computer teachers I’ve had over the years. Heh.

I did bring the laptop out to play today. I have the story idea buzzing in my head and I definitely think that it just might be the one that I will submit to the short story contest I want to enter. I’ve had other ideas, but I knew that they wouldn’t be selected based on their dark nature. The idea that sprung up either yesterday or the day before isn’t entirely “politically correct,” but it’s something. I can’t really explain it without giving it away.

So, I’m going to do that.

There is still work, which is to say that it’s kinda crap as usual. There were the usual fights among the hosting staff this weekend that led to the temporary host, Jarrod, to put in his two weeks and then go around telling everyone that I made him quit. Uhrm, okay.

He hasn’t spent his summer fighting with me. Up until this past Friday, we were mostly fine. We’ve had talks about his need to dominate everything, but we hadn’t had a big fight. At least, not yet, because we always have a big fight about something when he comes to visit. But whatever.

On a further writing note, I have been chiding myself about this for the longest, but I need to gather all of the scraps of paper I have written poems and story ideas and such on in one place. I try to keep up with them either in my bag or in my box, but there are quite a few of them. What I’m really hoping to do is to find out just what I need to turn all of these damned poems into a book or something, because I’ve written so many of them while at work.

What else am I going to do while I’m there when it’s boring and no one wants to come in and purchase a $12 cheeseburger?

All right, I have a few Internet type things that I need to catch up on, since I can’t get online as often without my laptop and all of the days I work in a row. I think that I am going to do my Neopets money thing and head in to work. My Inbox is too scary to tackle all at once with only a few more minutes online.

Danielle

The computer is dead, Part Two

2008-07-03T01:49:51Z

So, I had another look at my computer to try and get the correct drivers to install, but it was nothing doing. I feel so stupid to have so royally screwed myself over. It wouldn't be so bad if I have someone that I could ask to help me, but this is fucking Vista and no one knows anything about it. I now see why people downgraded back to XP.

When it, the laptop, was all set up out of the box, it was great. For the most part.

Now that I've attempted to re-set it up, I've found out just how screwed I am. I can't even do simple things like rename a song that I rip to transfer over to my PSP. I don't have permission to anything and I'm back to being stuck in Permission Box Zone.

I don't even know what I tinkered with to make those boxes go away.

And all because Internet Explorer and my microphone were messed up and every single System Restore I tried failed. If things hadn't been slowly going wrong with the laptop, I wouldn't be in this mess. But now I am.

I am considering selling the damned thing and buying another computer, even though I have a perfectly good computer. It just won't work. I mean, who in the hell designed these things???

And why did I think that a Dell would be such a good buy in the first place. I really need to go write one of those reviews that warn people not to purchase a Dell, especially from a store. It's a waste of money altogether.

It's just the fact that I can't believe that this is something I have dreamt about owning for years and spent months saving up to get. And it turned out to be complete crap.

God, I feel like crying, as though I don't get that feeling enough.

I just can't stomach the public computers. They're germ-infested and they have a serious time limit of two hours per day per card number. Thank god I kept my temporary computer card even after I got my new library card. I might as well cheat like I used to when I didn't have a computer. I mean, what's the point in not cheating the system? After all, the system of life cheated me.

The library closes soon and then I go back to work tomorrow. I woke up this morning not nearly as crushed by my depression as I was yesterday, but just the thought of having to face that hell makes me want to crawl into bed and never leave. But, of course, I can't because I need a paycheck, no matter what I like to allow myself to believe.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had a point of light to look forward to. You know, like some back up plan that I knew that I was working on. Something to inspire me to suck it up and just keep going. What I need is a hustle, a strategy, a somethingelse!anythingelse! Now if only I could figure out what that something is. . .

At this point, I think the writing thing is shot, especially since I find myself surrounded by other books and can only dwell on how pointless it all is. Case in point, I'm sitting in a building full of books that most people will neither never read nor know that they exist. All of those authors' hopes and dreams are wrapped up into those bound pages and no one could care else. That's not exactly the validation I need.

Okay. I want to check the email and eBay before I go.

Danielle

If the computer goes, I want to go with it!

2008-07-01T23:50:33Z

So, the laptop is officially out of commission and I'm back to public computers for Internet access. It had been slowly, but surely, collecting a new issue every time that I used it. The integrated microphone stopped working, it was acting funny, it was a little slow, and then yesterday, it started turning on its own programs -- Internet Explorer. I really don't know what was wrong with it, except that I don't think that I had a virus.

I didn't download things from websites or people I didn't know. Even though my Norton had expired and refused to let me renew it, it was still protecting my computer to some degree.

I tried to get people to help me to no avail, so I continued working on it today. I completely wiped it clean, not knowing that I would lose damn near everything that came with the computer. I figured that it would ALL be on the reinstallation disks, but it wasn't. Now, I have NO Norton, instead of partial Norton protection. Windows now comes with built-in firewalls that work pretty well, but Norton is, without a doubt, The Shit.

This is the same software that stopped a Backdoor Trojan from burrowing into my computer. It also stopped attacks on my computer from other computers while I've been connected to the free WiFi I use to access the Internet.

I originally wanted a computer to write on and now that's all I've got, because for some reason the drivers aren't installing properly or being recognized. On the upside of this, my microphone is working again. The webcam that goes with it can't recognize its own driver, but I can record myself cursing about it.

It just seems like it is just one thing after another -- I found out that all Internet comes filtered now!, things constantly get broken, I run out of money at the worse time, the fridge goes out. It seems to me that I am full of complaints, even though I try to see the good side of everything. But it's increasingly difficult to see the bright side when everything goes wrong at every turn. I'm trying to get ahead, but I always end up being knocked back and left feeling defeated.

It's almost as though Life just wants me give up already. And to be perfectly honest, I feel like waving that white flag sometimes. But there's just this stubborn part of me that keeps going in to a crappy job I hate and fighting against the crushing apathetic depression that is attempting to devour me.

I still haven't found anyone to prescribe anything for me, but I really think that I should. Maybe that might help. Who knows? Because I'm trying everything else -- think happy thoughts, make an effort, strategize! -- and I'm getting nowhere. Sure, I can blame my crappy job and my stagnant life, but what it comes back to is me.

Me and my shit that I can never seem to get straight.

I always find myself sitting here watching everyone else get what they want, when I can't figure out how to do the same. It seems that I never have enough money for the things that I want to do, the things I convince myself will make me feel better, will fix everything that is wrong with me.

Thinking about and reading through the last "Princess Diaries" installation not so long ago definitely gave me the perfect comparison to how I feel at any given time. This rut, this whateveryoucall it, is very much like being down at the bottom of a cistern. It's like I'm stuck down here and I neither have any clue how I got down here nor how to get myself out. Whenever I think that I've found a tree root to grab onto and pull myself up, it turns out to be a mistake and I fall further down.

I could ask myself every day how I got here and I still wouldn't be able to answer.

I know that I am capable, but all of that supposed potential is going to waste. The helplessness I feel knowing this only makes the problem worse. I honestly don't know what more I can do until the end of the world comes besides wasting my life with work and coming here to the library. I remember having fun and friends, but the friends have all run off and settled down and I never seem to have any time for fun. At least, nothing that I used to do. Of course, the continued lack of energy doesn't help matters, either.

And then there is this on-going need for validation. Am I cool? No. Am I hot? It depends. Am I doing a good job??? Nope. Yes. What was the question again?

And it's all just jumbled in there.

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. It's only a matter of time until I have another meltdown like I had at work on June 13th. Like I've always said, I try to believe that Friday the 13th is a good luck day, despite what everyone else says, but that was a huge panic attackmeltdownwhatever.

Maybe I should get back to roaming around the city, around the parks, around the museums. I always liked that. It was usually pretty cheap and maybe it'll help me save more money if I eat less, which I don't do loads anyway. But maybe if I go down to one meal a day, that will help save money in the Eating Out Every Fricking Day arena.

I might need to start drinking.

But again, money.

Danielle

FIC: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [4/4]

2008-06-26T00:27:08Z

Title: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [4/4]
Author: dmitchell1985
Betas: misumisu84 and polaris_etoile
Summary: And then there was condiments and Keystones. . .
Rating: PG-15 (??) - for some language.
Pairing: Cloud Strife/Barret Wallace
Warnings: Game spoilers for the second visit to Gold Saucer, but it follows my own line of what the evening/storyline entailed, with the exception of the canon character/secret reveal bit. And, er, the language.
Disclaimer: We all know the drill. I don't own the characters or canon information included in my fic and I agree to give the characters back when I am done ~~ruining them beyond repair~~ playing nicely with them.
Chapter Word Count: 3,435
Total Word Count: 8,181
Author's Notes: Well, this little series is over, since it was mostly finished about two years ago and it took me this long to both tack on the ending (last year) and find betas for it (this summer). I definitely thank those who read this fic and enjoyed it. As always, thanks goes to my betas, misumisu84 and polaris_etoile, for double-checking my work for me. Also, all "Star Wars" mentions belong to George Lucas. See the end of the very last chapter for a few extra notes that address Canon Correctness (Copyright rights on that?) and such.
Crossposting: my InsaneJournal, ffvii_yaoi, barretcloud, and ffvii_yaoi

Chapters:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three

-

They moved through the milling groups of winners and losers that were lamenting their losses or boasting about the speed of their winning chocobos. Barret smiled to be among the winning crowd and nodded his head at several men who acknowledged him from the earlier round of celebrations by the track railing.

Cloud ignored all of the chatter around them and stayed close to Barret. He didn't want anyone attempting to step between them again. There were only so many times that he could grab his friend's shirt without the action becoming amusingly strained at best, and downright weird at worst. The last thing Cloud wanted to do was to destroy the euphoria of their shared win.

When they had successfully made their way back out through the gate and into the open area just outside of the race track, Cloud looked from side to side and contemplated whether they should ride the gondola again or simply walk to their hotel. He glanced over at Barret and saw that he appeared to be pondering the same thing.

"Do ya' want to walk back or do ya' want to take tha' gondola?" Barret asked, just as Cloud was about to raise the issue himself.

"I think that walking would be okay," Cloud replied and motioned toward the path that led off to the left.

"All right," Barret said as he turned and began walking in that direction.

Cloud walked next to him in silence, fervently scraping around inside his head for things to say. He didn't want to sound scared or weak, not to mention give their group away by talking about Sephiroth and their pursuit of the murderer, but he couldn't think of anything else to drum up at the moment.

"Man! That sure was some race," Barret said fondly, a moment before he stepped in front of Cloud to weave through the thickening crowd of the more populated areas of the path they were walking along. "I'm glad you picked up that tip about Spark. Where'd ya' get it, anyway?"

Barret returned to Cloud's side when they finally passed a mother and father who were attempting to wrangle their brood of offspring.

"A friend. It seemed like a good idea to take him up on it," Cloud answered evenly, knowing all the while that he was telling Barret a half-truth. Could he honestly tell Barret that Dio himself had told him which chocobo would win, or that the races were rigged from the moment the chocobos are born? He wasn't sure what that would do to Barret's sense of joy and good fortune at having 'chosen' the right bird to bid on.

"Yeah, I know what ya' mean." Barret nodded slowly and smiled over at Cloud. "Hey! Why don't we get some of that?" Barret pointed ahead of them at a sidewalk vendor, whose stall sent plumes of enticing steam, laced with the tempting aroma of cooked meat, into the surrounding crowd. Barret rubbed his hand over his stomach in anticipation.

Cloud spotted the long line that curved through the foot traffic around them and considered passing the vendor by. They could surely get something back at the hotel without waiting nearly as long, but even Cloud had to admit to himself that the roasting meat smelled wonderful.

"Smells good. Let's get in line."

Barret joined the line behind three chattering women that were standing in a semi-circle as they gossiped about the latest celebrity rumors they had read or heard. One woman assured her peers that someone by the name of Danny Warbeck was the hottest thing that she had ever seen and that he was newly divorced; therefore, they all had a chance with him. The women around her tittered at the prospect of one of them getting together with such a man.

Barret rolled his eyes at the women's clucking and turned to face Cloud. He found that Cloud's eyes were already on him and immediately gave him a look that clearly showed his own annoyance at the women's insipid conversation. Neither said anything more beyond their occasional shared glances as the line slowly crawled forward to the vendor's stall.

When the last of the gossiping women had been served, Barret approached the counter and asked the vendor what was being sold. The vendor ran through the list of roasted meats, cold canned beverages in the ice chest on the counter beside him, and the sauces that he had available to accompany each meal. The vendor's assistant hovered near the back of the stall as the vendor ran through his offerings, listening for the next order to come in.

Cloud moved closer to the counter and eyed the turning spits over the open flame of the portable grill. He considered purchasing the chocobo meat that Barret had mentioned wanting to eat earlier, but silently opted instead to try the lamb-filled pita bread. He told the vendor what he wanted and waited for Barret to do the same.

Apparently, Barret's thoughts were not so dissimilar from Cloud's, because he, too, ignored the available chocobo meat in favor of a pair of large, mixed kabobs consisting of chunks of lamb meat, thick slices of pork sausage, hunks of juicy beef, melting cubes of animal fat, and fresh, grilled vegetables. He ordered cold beers for both himself and Cloud and asked the vendor which sauce he recommended for each of them.

The vendor suggested a spicy, honey-based sauce for Barret's meal and a deep red sauce that neither Barret nor Cloud could pronounce for Cloud's pita. They nodded their assent to the vendor's suggestions and began digging out money to pay for their meals when the vendor quoted them their total price.

Cloud instinctively moved to the side of the stall to wait for his food once he handed over his money and looked on as Barret counted out his Golden Points directly into the vendor's hand. The larger man smiled down at Cloud and shifted away from the line to join him once his meal was paid for.

"God, that smells even better up close," Barret said enthusiastically as he stared longingly toward the back of the stall at the vendor's assistant, who was putting the final touches together to create Cloud's pita.

"Yeah," Cloud said wistfully. It had been too long since the last time he could remember indulging in such a meal. When he tried to press deeper into his memories to conjure up the last time that he had enjoyed a meal this good without worrying about imminent danger crashing down upon him at any given second, Cloud's mind came up blank. He pressed harder still and a sharp pain behind his eyes was his reward for his insistence. Cloud winced slightly and mentally scuttled away from the past. If the memory did not wish to make itself known, he wasn't going to continue pushing tonight. He figured that there were some memories that were best left to their own devices.

Barret caught the note of pain that flickered over Cloud's face momentarily. Worried that Cloud had not quite recovered from the last of their conflicts before reaching Gold Saucer for a second time, he leaned in close to ask what was wrong.

"You all right there, Spiky? Somethin' the matter, because I've still got a potion on me from yesterday," Barret offered in a low voice.

"No," Cloud forced out, glad to hear that his voice was mostly calm. "Must have been upset stomach or something. I'm starving!" Cloud hoped that the half-hearted smile he managed actually appeared to be cheerful, instead of strained. Even though the last of the sudden pain had fled, its memory was enough to cause him a sharp twinge of lingering discomfort.

"I know what ya' mean." Barret looked up to see that the vendor's assistant was standing in front of them with Cloud's pita and his kabobs, which were much larger than Barret had expected them to be. He was glad for it all the same, because he had only intended for the kabobs to be a snack to tide him over until they reached the hotel.

Accepting the pita in one hand and selecting a beer from the open ice chest on the counter with the other, Cloud looked around for the sauce that he had been promised. "The vendor said something about sauce. . ." Cloud began.

"It's inside the pita, sir," the vendor's assistant informed Cloud. "If you want more, I can get some for you."

Cloud nodded his head that he would like a bit more sauce to spread over the top of his food as he saw fit. He glanced over at Barret, who had also selected his favored brand of beer from the ice chest, but was now licking a wayward trickle of a light yellow-colored condiment from the side of his hand. When he saw that Cloud was watching him, he finished up and grinned.

"It tastes too good to let any of it get away, ya' know?" Barret's smile never wavered.

Cloud nodded his head and bit into his pita. He set his can on the counter and used his free hand to open the beer. Barret shifted his kabobs to the crook of his thumb and forefinger before imitating the maneuver and awkwardly drinking a large gulp of the cold liquid once the tab popped up with the crisp snap of thin metal. Cloud took a much smaller sip of his beer before he set it down to accept the small container of red sauce the vendor's assistance was handing to him. He emptied the container over his food and threw it into the trash hold situated to one side of the stall.

Gathering a few napkins from a basket on the counter, Cloud picked up his drink and turned to leave. Barret selected several napkins of his own, tucked his beer against his chest between it and his gun arm, wrapped his fingers around the bamboo skewers of his kabobs, and turned to follow Cloud. They strode along the crowded walkway in silence as they ate their respective meals and took in their surroundings. None of them really had a chance to truly sightsee on their first visit to Gold Saucer, but Cloud had figured that they had seen enough. However, after tonight, he wasn't so sure.

He knew now that he wouldn't have refused the opportunity to leisurely walk about the Saucer as though he were merely a park visitor like anyone else. He wouldn't have refused the chance to enjoy a meal worth swallowing, for once. Nor would he have refused the company he was currently keeping. He didn't mind spending his days with Aerith and the rest, but he found that he and Barret never really got the chance to talk, to sort through things and just be.

It was an enjoyable change of pace from the fear and the panic and the driven sense of duty that forced him onward through each battle and all of Sephiroth's mind games. It was this same line of unwavering focus that pushed him to emotionally close himself off from a mind that wanted to recover what it had lost. Part of him still wondered about the holes in his memory that refused to fill themselves in as each day unwillingly passed. His own predicament wasn't as he had always heard amnesia cases went. He still wasn't entirely sure how he knew as much as he did about certain people and places, but he did know that with most instances of scattered memories, things tended to slide back into place after enough triggers had been tripped. Usually.

Cloud wondered glumly just how many triggers would have to be set off before it all came flooding back to him. He bit into his pita and chewed the bite slowly, savoring the way the rich tang of sauce and the succulent juices of the lamb meat mixed together at the back of his throat. In his reverie, he could not help but wonder if he even wanted those missing moments from his past to resurface.

The way he saw it, he knew enough of his life to be satisfied that he knew exactly who he was. But at times, when he listened to Barret talk of Marlene and the games she played with the neighborhood children, he wanted to know if he himself had once played those same games of hide-and-go-seek or hopscotch or Fort. Had he climbed trees with friends that he had known for years, or had he gleefully played dress up in his father's clothing? He always had the vague impression that he did, but he was never able to pinpoint details of how high the trees grew around his childhood home or the names of his childhood friends. On the worst days, his memories could not be counted on to even supply him with the faces and names of the parents he knew that he must have left behind somewhere in the world.

Those days worried him the most, but he had dutifully set them to the side to concentrate on the never-ending missions that lay before them. They always served as an unpleasant distraction previously. Now that he was walking side-by-side with a man that he would have never thought it possible to harbor any shade of romantic interest in, Cloud knew that vaguely remembering 'happier times' would no longer be enough. He understood that those faded memories would have to do, but he was no longer so content in that knowledge.

Barret polished off the last of his kabobs before inhaling the last swallow of his beer and crumpling the clean napkins in his hand. He hummed loudly to himself in blissful satisfaction at having consumed a meal worth writing home about. That was, if he had a home to write back to, which was something he hoped to permanently have once this was all over.

He deposited the kabob sticks, his used napkins, and his beer can in the nearest trash bin they came across as they neared their hotel. Barret glanced over at Cloud to see if he had finished his food as well. He watched as the blonde pushed the last two bites of his pita into mouth and crushed both his napkins and his empty beer can with the same hand. The trash was mindlessly dumped into the next bin that they reached without Cloud so much as appearing to have noticed.

Barret furrowed his brow and considered asking Cloud what was obviously troubling him. He thought better of it, for if Cloud wanted him to know something, he knew by now that the kid would tell him. Despite the fact that Cloud was well known for holding his tongue on many an occasion, he was just as capable of spitting out what he had to say when it was his intention of doing so. Granted, this did not happen often, but Barret found the event to be worth the wait, as it tended to be his best opportunity to find out more about the evasive man beside him.

As they reached the front entrance of the Ghost Hotel, Cloud abruptly turned away from the door, wordlessly signaling that he was not ready to call it a night yet. Barret frowned at Cloud's actions once more and opened his mouth to ask where they were now headed.

"I heard about this great place that I wanted to show you. I forgot all about it until now," Cloud supplied, smiling up at Barret and appearing to have shaken off his funk, at least on the surface.

Barret warily smiled back and idly wondered if he should feel alarmed at Cloud's sudden shifts in behavior. He thought back over their evening and tried to pick out anything that might have caused Cloud any form of distress. He loathed to do so, but part of Barret wanted to chalk Cloud's hot-and-cold behavior up to a continued hesitation about dating another man. As Cloud had readily accepted Barret's invitation, Barret figured that minute detail would not be an issue between them. Realization that the opposite might be true insisted that he had been wrong to make that particular assumption; and, that he should say something light or funny or both to distract Cloud from whatever had set him off into a lull of tense silence.

"Yeah? What sort of place is this? Tha' kind where guys come over to serenade us or a fortune teller will reveal our future?" Barret grinned and gave an exaggerated wink in Cloud's direction.

Cloud chuckled for a moment before he answered. "No, nothing like that. But we already have a fortune teller. Perhaps you've met him." Cloud arched an eyebrow and shot Barret an amused glance. For all that Cait Sith had been proven correct in his predictions from time to time, the feline had been completely off base more times than Cloud could count.

"You're not seriously referrin' to Sith, are you? I'm still waitin' for tha' "grand treasure" and "lifetime of good fortune" that he promised would show up any day now." Barret snorted lightly and waved his hand in the air. He caught himself before he uttered something embarrassing and overly sentimental about Cloud possibly being his 'good fortune' and 'grand treasure'. Even he did not want to hear such trite proclamations this early on, be they from Cloud or anyone else. In Barret's opinion, there was a limit to how much dignity a person should sacrifice right off.

Cloud pursed his lips and a frown creased his forehead as he thought over Cait's prediction. For a moment, Barret was certain that Cloud had invariably stumbled upon the same line of thought. Before the itch of panic crawling over his skin could grow into anything more than a mild concern that they were going to head down a sappier route than he was hoping to travel, Cloud laughed out loud as something clearly dawned on him.

"So, what, are you saying that getting the chance to chase Sephiroth all over the continents is not what you consider to be a "grand treasure" or sheer "good fortune" for you? Some people could only be so lucky, like us." Cloud tilted his head and lowered his voice as he spoke the first of his taunt. Though smaller the crowds may have been around them, the name of Sephiroth, and anyone attached to him, was as good as swearing using the most vulgar terms one could conjure. Few things a person could utter would be considered worse to say aloud, save for admitting to murdering your entire family or raping baby goats. And even then, it was nearly too close to call.

Barret chuckled and shook his head. "No, not normally. But I guess that I've got my definitions of "good fortune" and "grand treasure" all mixed up."

They shared another laugh as the Gold Gate came into view. Seeing now where they were headed, Barret's eyes shot over to Cloud. Were they going to check the listings for another event? As much as he had been enjoying their night out, they were going to be heading onward early tomorrow morning.

Barret opened his mouth to speak and got so far as uttering Cloud’s name before the sight of the Keystone gleaming in the darkness before them caused his words to die on the night air.

"What-?" Cloud murmured, moments before the shadowed thief took off down the cobbled pathway.

Cloud felt his body lurch into motion before he truly registered what was happening. Although the details of his own movement were a blur to him, Cloud found that he was hyper aware of Barret barreling head-first toward the retreating thief. They dove around people and skimmed around corners within inches of one another, yet they never collided once. Their strides automatically fell in line, right up until their bodies jarred to a halt.

There before them, in the light of Chocobo Square, was Cait Sith handing both the Keystone and their fate over to the Turks. Neither Cloud nor Barret could breathe or give voice to any words that would adequately express the feelings of betrayal consuming them. After they had given in and taken the annoyance along, this was how their kindness had been rewarded.

In the split moment before all of hell greedily devoured them, Cloud had the fleeting thought, And here I thought this was supposed to be an honest-to-goodness date, not yet another battle waiting to be fought.

-

The End

Author's Note: Okay, so yes, I did change a few canon details, but I did try to stay well within what happened and who did what overall. Since I've had such a bad experience with my fandoms and deviating from strict canon accounts, I try not to do that often, but I really couldn't help myself in this case. After all, "Loveless" can't be the only epic-poem-turned-play that the FFVII world has going for them. I do hope that my alterations didn't make my fic any less enjoyable for you, the reader. If it did, what can ya' do? How a does comforting pat on the back and a swirl of cotton candy sound?

And yes, if you recognize that bit about men who do other men like women, you'll know where that's from. ; D *cough*Gay porn!*cough*

Either way, I hope that I tackled this pairing well enough for those who like it.

As a show of support for the ship that I have come to sort of like and find interesting in general, I am including two eerily similar icons. I tried to do them up with wording, but I couldn't quite get it right. So, you're free to customize the icons as you see fit. The only guidelines for usage are the following:

Credit me, dmitchell1985, along with yourself for any alterations you make.

Yes, you are free to use these icons on other sites besides InsaneJournal/LiveJournal. Still, credit me.

Enjoy the icons and spread the Cloud/Barret and Barret/Cloud love! = D

That's it! = D

FIC: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [3/4]

2008-06-23T23:47:30Z

Title: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [3/4]
Author: dmitchell1985
Betas: misumisu84 and polaris_etoile
Summary: Race winning and losing and chocobo-kicking, oh my!
Rating: PG-15 (??) - for some language.
Pairing: Cloud Strife/Barret Wallace
Warnings: Game spoilers for the second visit to Gold Saucer, but it follows my own line of what the evening/storyline entailed, with the exception of the canon character/secret reveal bit. And, er, the language.
Disclaimer: We all know the drill. I don't own the characters or canon information included in my fic and I agree to give the characters back when I am done ~~ruining them beyond repair~~ playing nicely with them.
Chapter Word Count: 2,370
Total Word Count: 8,181
Author's Notes: As always, thanks goes to my betas, misumisu84 and polaris_etoile, for double-checking my work for me. Also, all "Star Wars" mentions belong to George Lucas. See the end of the very last chapter for a few extra notes that address Canon Correctness (Copyright rights on that?) and such.
Crossposting: my InsaneJournal, ffvii_yaoi, barretcloud, and ffvii_yaoi

Chapters:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Four

-

They both pushed through the clump of spectators that stood between them and the railing. Ignoring the hisses of outrage that followed them, Barret and Cloud leaned their forearms on the cool, painted metal. Barret sighed in contentment, but Cloud stayed quiet.

A buzzer sounded from somewhere over the PA system and the stalls at the end of the track opened. The sound of thundering feet filled the area as different colored chocobos ran by, kicking up dust as they headed toward the finish line. The race was not the one they were anticipating, but it was thrilling to watch the birds speed by nevertheless.

Barret could hear an announcer giving a play-by-play of the action for those who could not see the race or didn't know each of the chocobos by name. Given the number of chocobos that raced here every year, there was a very small chance indeed that many park visitors knew all of the birds' names. As a result of the growing number of racing participants, most spectators didn't know any name beyond that of the bird they had bet on.

"And Devil's Run takes the lead!" Barret heard the announcer scream over the PA.

"Now it's Cake Legs!"

Someone nearby growled loudly and began screaming for Devil's Run to get his ass in gear. Barret chuckled and knew that he would be in the same state by the time his own race came along.

"Now it's Devil's Run! No! Now it's Christine's Luck! Devil's Run fights for the lead, but Christine's Luck doesn't look like he's going to give the spot up! Cake Legs is trying to move up from third, but he's fallen behind Jabba Hutt into fourth place. Henry the King is on Cake Legs' tail and is pushing up from fifth into fourth place. Cho Cho Paq has been left behind in sixth place, and it doesn't look like he's going to be moving up anytime soon!"

The crowd around Cloud and Barret were all screaming now, shaking their tickets in the air and willing their own birds on to the finish line first.

"It's Devil's Run! It's Christine's Luck! Oh god! It's neither! Jabba Hutt takes the win! Jabba Hutt takes the win! What an incredible race here, people! I did not see that coming! Stand by for the next race momentarily. Hey! Somebody get that guy off the track, will ya'!" The announcer chuckled over the PA and both Cloud and Barret leaned over the railing to see down the track.

A bulky man with purple hair had jumped over the railing onto the track in his frustration. He had just reached the side of a blue chocobo and was drawing his foot back to kick it, when security tackled the man to the dirt. Three uniformed guards wrestled the man away and dragged him toward the side of the track, where a fourth guard was holding the crowd back.

"I think we all know where he's going, don't we, folks? Say hello to Mr. Coates for me while you're there, won't ya'?" The announcer laughed louder than ever over the PA system and Barret just shook his head solemnly. It would be a long time indeed before that guy was able to say anything at all, let alone deliver the announcer's greetings to the head of the Desert Prison.

"That guy's sure goin' to be in for one hell of a time where he's goin'." Barret shook his head again.

Cloud nodded and said, "Sure is. I guess that'll teach him to try and kick a chocobo. I have to wonder if he'll still be able to have a chocobo race for him if he tried to hurt one of them."

"Don't know. I wouldn't count on it if I were him. It takes long enough as it is when you're just tryin' to win under normal circumstances. If anything, I expect them to let that chocobo kick him, and then throw him into a cell with a friendly roommate." Barret could not help but chuckle as he thought of the man's possible punishment. The thought of the bird he had intended to attack harming him instead was laughable.

Cloud chuckled to his right and Barret looked over at him. Barret beamed down at his friend before looking up at the monitor behind Cloud to see when the next race would start.

"Yeah, that would be something," Cloud admitted, but he stopped speaking when he saw Barret look away from him. He was doing it again, being avoidant. When Cloud followed Barret's line of sight, he realized that Barret wasn't being avoidant, he was simply looking at the screen hanging just behind him. His cheeks reddened with embarrassment. They'd only gone out this one time, and already he was behaving as a jealous lover would. The thought of himself as Barret's lover, and all that it implied, made Cloud's cheeks redden all the more.

Catching the blush on Cloud's face, Barret couldn't help but wonder what had set the kid off. "What? Ya' finally figured out some of the other things that might happen to that guy down in the prison?" Barret asked, a jaunty grin stretched across his lips.

Cloud shook his head, but Barret's mention of the 'other things' that take place in prison only made him blush further. Those things made him think of Barret or himself in that same position. He wondered which of them would spread out the way he was unwillingly imagining some of the prisoners did. He decided that either way might just be okay with him.

Pushing the thought away, Cloud finally answered Barret's question. "No, it's just hot is all. Too many people." Cloud gave a tiny smile to cover his embarrassment.

"Ah," Barret said intelligently. "Do ya' want to get a soda or somethin'? My treat."

"Maybe later. I don't want to miss the race." Cloud nodded his head toward the track.

"Right. Me, too. I sure hope that our race is like that last one. Only, I'd like our bird to win." Barret coughed to cover the awkward taste the word 'our' left in his mouth. It almost sounded like they were already together, instead of merely giving it a shot to see what would happen.

"Me, too. Although, we could do without someone jumping onto the track."

Barret nodded his head and vaguely registered the fact that the next race he claimed to want to watch had come and gone in the time that he and Cloud stood talking. He found that he honestly didn't care, because there were better things to do than watch birds run along a dirt track. One of which was standing there beside him.

Realizing that they had missed the next race, Cloud glanced over at the finish line. "Looks like we missed that one."

"Yeah, but that's okay, because Spark wasn't in that race." Barret checked the screen behind Cloud again and saw that Spark's Lightning was listed among the next race's participants. "We'd better watch this race comin' up, it's ours."

There was that word again. Barret was relieved to see that Cloud didn't flinch or even blink to hear it.

"I guess so." Cloud smiled up at Barret before he turned to face the end of the track where the chocobos would enter.

Barret studied Cloud using the awkward peripheral slant of his vision and hoped that maybe they could do stuff like this more often. The kid really wasn't all that hard on the eyes, not to mention the fact that he could hold up his end in a conversation, when he wanted to. The sound of a buzzer shattered his current thoughts and his mind turned toward the race.

The announcer took up his post again and Barret listened to the play-by-play as though his life depended on him catching every word.

"Trinket takes the lead right out of the gate! Long Legged Sue is catching up quickly! Gohen is pushing his way to the front! Spark's Lightning is gaining on Belkin's Heat's position in fourth! Spark's Lightning takes third! He takes second! Gohen puts on a burst of speed and is now in first place! Danke is closing in on Belkin's Heat now and passes him up!"

Barret groaned and swore at Gohen and Spark's Lightning to switch places. The end of the track was quickly approaching, and it wouldn't be long before the race's winner was decided.

Cloud, however, remained quiet and watched Barret wave his arms about, seemingly heedless of the direction his gun arm pointed. He knew the older man better than that. No matter what was going on around him, Barret always knew where his gun arm was pointed, for fear that he would accidentally shoot someone he hadn't intended to.

Barret screamed louder for Spark's Lightning to run his ass off if he knew what was good for him. Amazingly, the chocobo did just that.

"And Spark's Lightning takes the lead! He's pulling a remarkable feat, folks! Look at him go! Trinket, Gohen, Long Legged Sue, Danke, and Belkin's Heat all fall behind. Spark's Lightning is your winner. Spark's Lightning is your winner!"

Barret cheered with the crowd around them and turned to hug Cloud in a breath-crushing embrace. He then turned to the guy next to him that was jumping up and down and shrieking out his delight at the outcome of the race and hugged him, too. Barret then slapped the man five and they both turned to hug and slap five with several others in the crowd before untangling themselves to rush over to the betting windows to collect their winnings.

Barret caught Cloud's hand in his own and dragged him over to the line, shoving and bumping through the crowd like all of the other winners. Barret laughed loudly as he ran and merely clasped Cloud's hand harder.

Cloud allowed himself to be towed along behind Barret as they made their way back to the betting windows. The pressure on his hand ground his bones together, but he didn't really mind. Barret was holding his hand without any hints of the earlier awkwardness that had begun to worry Cloud. They were just out having a good time, and that was more than enough for him.

Cloud joined the growing line behind Barret and glared at several men that were aiming to push past them toward a better spot up front. He wished that he'd been able to bring his sword with him, so that the men around them would readily get the point that trying to skip ahead of them was going to be the worst idea they'd had all day.

The men Cloud glared at sneered right back, but stopped shoving long enough to form a line behind Cloud. Satisfied that he wouldn't have to ram his elbow into anyone's throat just yet, Cloud turned back to Barret. He was pleased to see that the line had moved up a couple of feet while he was distracted. Cloud dug his ticket out of the pocket he had stuck it in and smoothed out the crumpled paper as best that he could with his one free hand, as Barret had yet to release him.

Cloud could feel Barret's own ticket pressed against his skin inside of the other man's grip. How he had managed to hold on to the slip of paper and grab Cloud's hand at the same time, Cloud didn't know. He was certain that if he'd tried to do the same, he would have simply lost his ticket, and then he would have been stuck out of his winnings.

When it was finally their turn to approach the window, Barret dropped Cloud's hand and presented his ticket to the woman behind the Plexiglas. He slid the paper underneath the small opening at the bottom of the window and moved to the side so that Cloud could do the same. The attendant checked their tickets and began counting out their GP.

Barret scooped up his money from underneath the window and shoved it into his pockets. Once Barret plucked the last of his money from the counter, the attendant pushed Cloud's GP out, and he, too, retrieved his money and pushed it all into his pockets.

"Jus' think of all of tha' stuff we can buy now!" Barret crowed gleefully. "Man! There are some things that I want to pick up for Marlene. I'd bet she'd love a stuffed chocobo or some hard candy on a stick. Wha' are ya' going to buy?" Barret looked over at Cloud, who was still busy making sure that he had picked up all of his money and stored it away safely.

"Huh?" Cloud asked, when he realized that Barret was speaking to him.

"I said, what were ya' plannin' to buy with your money? Your GP," Barret clarified and motioned toward Cloud's very full pockets.

"Oh," Cloud said, "I don't know yet. Maybe another ride or something. Maybe something to eat. I'm pretty hungry. You?"

"Yeah, me, too. I could eat a whole chocobo by myself." Barret grinned at the startled gasps that surrounded him. "But maybe not from here jus' now, eh?"

Cloud chuckled at the disapproving stares Barret drew and shook his head. "Yeah. Let's see what we can find. I think that the hotel has some pretty good stuff. We could order room service."

"Sounds good." Barret hesitated for a moment as he tried to decide whether he should reach for Cloud's hand again. The first time had only been due to his excitement and desire to reach the betting window before a long line formed in front of it. Even though he had enjoyed the feel of Cloud's smaller hand in his own, Barret was now unsure as to what he was supposed to do in this situation. This time, the action would be much more deliberate, more intimate - almost.

Cloud solved the dilemma by punching Barret lightly in the arm when he stood silent for too long. "Are we going or not?"

"Yeah, let's go," Barret mumbled, feeling rather disappointed that he hadn't taken the initiative to reach for Cloud's hand again.

Putter Putter

2008-06-22T21:14:46Z

So, I'm now just puttering around on the Internet until I have to go in. I really should tackle some writing, so that I can have more to post once I'm done posting the Cloud/Barret fic. And it's just mind-blowing to finally be posting it and have people enjoy the fic, since I original wrote the bulk of it two years ago.

This weekend thus far has been all kinds of weird. I had a co-worker threaten me, which isn't un-like the person who did it. Then, I had the GM and AGM close the store last night, which hasn't happened in god knows how long. Then, this morning I had a co-worker help me pick up our new fridge. I'm completely broke at this point and have to make due for two weeks on $200. I need to go get a bunch of Ramen and learn to eat that again. Instead, I've been doing fast food in the weeks since our last fridge died on us.

I'm hoping to get back into the routine of eating at home, because it'll save me a lot of money. This really needs to happen, as I want to seriously save up for a car now. I know that gas is through the roof, but I don't think that I can get by without a car any longer. I'm wanting to travel around and I need a car to run my errands these days. It'd be awesome to finally have a truck like I've always wanted, but I'm simply going to have to settle for some little podunk car.

I'm a bit more settled since the last time I wrote, as my original journal's server came back up and my entries were all there, thank god. I tried once again to check out the exporting tool, but it all looked like gibberish to me. I'm so out-of-the-loop! It definitely makes me feel incompetent, which isn't all that unusual given the type of people I work with on a daily basis.

It's no so much that I am completely incompetent in my work, but that I'm treated as though I am. Even when I bust my behind to do what needs to be done, whether it's part of my job description or not, I still can't win for losing. I never fail to wonder why I even both showing up or working as hard as I do, but I do notice the fact that I still haven't given up.

I had every intention of doing so on this past Friday, but my Mom told me that she was considering going back to her last employer who laid her off three years ago. Now, this is the jackass that did everything he could to undermine her at every turn, but could always depend on my mom to stick it out. Well, he called several days ago and asked her to come back, again. The first time he wanted her back, he had one of his employees ask for him.

She told him that she would think about it and is currently drafting her list of demands. I'm really hoping that they can come to a middle ground, because we need the money more than ever. If she can even consider going back to the hell she lived for ten years, then I figure that I can continue to give my crappy job a try. If she just got even a part-time job, that would take some of the strain off of my paychecks. I could then save more money and perhaps travel more often.

I'd have to stop claiming her on my taxes, which would shucks, but what can you do? I don't want the gov't to come after me for taxes. They tend not to joke around about money, even though the gov't would gleefully screw its citizens over for a bit of green. Guh. But what can you expect from gov't officials? They don't have to worry about getting their bills paid or whether they'll be able to afford their next meal. So what does it matter if Sally Sue gets the shaft?

All right. I'm going to do a bit more piddling and then head in.

Danielle

FIC: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [2/4]

2008-06-22T20:25:54Z

Title: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [2/4]
Author: dmitchell1985
Betas: misumisu84 and polaris_etoile
Summary: And we're off to the races!
Rating: PG-15 - for some language.
Pairing: Cloud Strife/Barret Wallace
Warnings: Game spoilers for the second visit to Gold Saucer, but it follows my own line of what the evening/storyline entailed, with the exception of the canon character/secret reveal bit. And, er, the language.
Disclaimer: We all know the drill. I don't own the characters or canon information included in my fic and I agree to give the characters back when I am done ~~ruining them beyond repair~~ playing nicely with them.
Chapter Word Count: 1,256
Total Word Count: 8,181
Author's Notes: Well, here is the second chapter of the fic. I was quite surprised that so many people would be open to the Cloud/Barret pairing. I was absolutely thrilled and flattered that so many of you took a moment to leave a comment for me. Thank you! As always, thanks goes to my betas, misumisu84 and polaris_etoile, for double-checking my work for me. Also, all "Star Wars" mentions belong to George Lucas. See the end of the very last chapter for a few extra notes that address Canon Correctness (Copyright rights on that?) and such.
Crossposting: my InsaneJournal, ffvii_yaoi, barretcloud, and ffvii_yaoi

Chapters:

Chapter One
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

-

Cloud cleared his throat to get Barret's attention as he rose from his seat. They had reached the end of the line and would now have to walk to the area where the races where held. His lingering insecurity over whether it was truly a good idea to accept Barret's invitation to spend the evening in the park together returned to full force in the face of Barret's worrisome silence. Barret was known for a great many things, but long stretches of silence were not among his various talents.

Cloud began to worry whether he had said something offensive in passing that he had taken no heed of previously. He thought back over the evening and diligently searched through his recent memories of anything he might have said or done that would upset Barret's less-than-delicate sensibilities. When he could think of nothing, he pushed further back into his mind, thoroughly checking every rumpled corner of his consciousness.

Cloud gestured for Barret to exit first as he continued to flip through his recollections. There must have been something. What else could explain Barret's behavior? Cloud decided to try distracting his friend until he could locate the cause of his unease.

"It's a nice night out, huh?" Cloud asked, sidestepping an embracing couple that appeared to have never memorized the definition of the word 'privacy.'

"Uh, yeah. It's great. No rain. Nothin'," Barret replied automatically, stumbling over his words only once as he felt his accent thicken with every twist of his nerves. His eyes shot about in every direction as he took in their surroundings. He made certain to look everywhere, except for directly at Cloud.

Disheartened by the lack of response or even a glance in his direction, Cloud tried again.

"You know, I've always heard that Gold Saucer was pretty great. Lots to do. It's nice to be here with. . . friends." Cloud paused then to study the side of Barret's face. It would be nice to have Barret's eyes focused on him, instead of turned elsewhere on the one night when he wouldn't have to share their regard with anyone else.

Barret eyed Cloud from the edge of his vision. The blonde was looking at him expectantly, as though he was required to utter something truly inspired, or at least longer than a few muttered words in length. Barret ignored the urge to take a deep breath in hopes of calming himself before he answered.

"I heard tha' same thing. I've always been reluctant to come and see it, because of how it was built and all. I jus' didn't see tha' point, ya' know? I guess that none of that matters now, because here we are." Barret turned his head slightly figuring that it was better to give in to his accent and grinned at Cloud. "I mean, now that we're here and all, we might as well enjoy ourselves to tha' fullest!"

Cloud felt a grin spread across his face. This was the Barret he had come to know and like. This Barret had plenty of good cheer and a ready smile. He missed seeing this Barret. In the wake of the stress that threatened them all day-in and day-out, this Barret made all of his appearances with an increasingly subdued expression plastered across his face. Cloud knew that Barret himself was not to blame for his frustration, but he still missed their occasional relaxed conversations and shared amusement all the same.

"I've never had cause to come here before either, but it seems that the strangest reasons will take you to the most unlikely places. Still, I'm glad that we came." Cloud gave Barret a tiny grin and motioned for the larger man to move underneath the garish entrance of the racing area first.

They both looked up at the racing schedules displayed on television screens that hung from both the walls and the lower parts of the ceiling. They watched the odds for each chocobo's chance of winning their respective races and which round they would compete in flash on the brightly lit screens. Sighting the chocobo Cloud had heard encouraging comments about, they approached a betting window to place their bets on Spark's Lightning to Win. The girl behind the Plexiglas collected their money and handed them slips of paper with a listing of their chocobo's stats, assigned race for the night, and betting amount they had riding on the bird's performance. Cloud immediately stuffed his ticket into his pocket for safekeeping.

They pushed through the crowd toward the seats and standing room only railings that would allow them a view of the track. At one point, a rowdy group of men stepped between Cloud and Barret as they moved through the crowd. Cloud merely shoved them to the side and grabbed hold of the back of Barret's shirt. He had no intention of losing his friend in this madhouse; therefore, he felt no remorse when he glared back at the men until he and Barret had passed them by.

A threatening sense of alarm flared inside of Barret's head the moment he felt a hand suddenly clutch the material of his shirt. A glance over his shoulder informed him that it was in fact Cloud, and not some grabby stranger who felt that it was okay for them to put their hands wherever they so chose. He then spotted the group of men that Cloud was defiantly staring down. A whirl of familiar excitement settled in his stomach. He liked watching the kid work, but he found that he liked Cloud's nonverbal threats of death and maimed limbs just as well.

He reasoned that it was not so much that he wanted to see someone have their skull crushed in by the blonde, but more that it reminded him of the fact that small though Cloud might be, he wasn't a pushover for anyone, not even for Barret himself. Something about that thought tempered Barret's occasional annoyance at the way some people shrank away from him when he entered a room. Here, Cloud refused to be intimidated by anyone, while he himself was reluctantly growing accustomed to the prospect of never finding anyone to simply accept him for who he really was, the way Myrna had.

Of course, that was before everything had gone to hell and his arm was busted by that Shin-Ra bitch. He still had a couple of issues to settle with her, and as soon as he shot her in her fucking arm, then they just might be able to begin working on his more serious complaints. Barret smiled to think of it. He even had his gun ready and waiting. Just wait until that bitch saw what she did to him.

Cloud caught Barret's smile and grinned in return. The snap of Barret's eyes to Cloud's face made Cloud wonder if the smile was truly meant for him at all. However, he forced the grin to stay on his face as he dropped his hand away from Barret's shirt and drew level with his friend.

"How about we get a spot by the railing. We can see better from there anyway. Besides, who wants to walk up all of those steps to try and find a seat, when the race'll probably be over before we can sit down?" Cloud raised his eyebrows slightly and hoped that he merely looked excited about the race instead of concerned about whether he'd caught Barret checking someone else out or not.

"Sounds like a plan, Spiky."

FIC: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [1/4]

2008-06-21T20:56:16Z

Title: Givin' It a Shot is Good Enough, Right? [1/4]
Author: dmitchell1985
Betas: misumisu84 and polaris_etoile
Summary: First dates are SUPPOSED to be this awkward, right?
Rating: PG-15 (??) - for some language.
Pairing: Cloud Strife/Barret Wallace
Warnings: Game spoilers for the second visit to Gold Saucer, but it follows my own line of what the evening/storyline entailed, with the exception of the canon character/secret reveal bit. And, er, the language.
Disclaimer: We all know the drill. I don't own the characters or canon information included in my fic and I agree to give the characters back when I am done ~~ruining them beyond repair~~ playing nicely with them.
Chapter Word Count:1,120
Total Word Count: 8,181
Author's Notes: I, for the life of me, could not figure out why I saw a few Cloud/Barret fics/doujinshis floating around on LJ. Then, I read through a Gold Saucer guide for small details to use in another fic. I saw the mention that the date Cloud goes on could also be with Barret. Well, that just served to make me want to write the pairing myself, since I am generally open to suggestion where the FFVII fandom goes. As always, thanks goes to my betas, misumisu84 and polaris_etoile, for double-checking my work for me. Also, all "Star Wars" mentions belong to George Lucas. See the end of the very last chapter for a few extra notes that address Canon Correctness (Copyright rights on that?) and such.
Crossposting: my InsaneJournal, ffvii_yaoi, barretcloud, and ffvii_yaoi

Chapters:

Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

-

Barret twitched nervously and toyed with the bolts on the edge of his gun arm. He wasn't sure how he had ended up on an honest-to-goodness date with the boy, but he felt his companion's gaze settle on the side of his face. In the silence of the gondola, Barret could easily imagine that he was simply out with an ordinary friend. No pressure. No expectations of after-date activities. It was simply a case of two good friends spending a bit of time together inside of the world's playground. However, this was not the case at all. And nothing, no matter how many sparkly attractions lay just outside the reach of the gondola's windows, could distract Barret from this unfathomable truth.

Barret shuffled his feet and glanced over at Cloud. A small, hesitant smile tugged at his mouth and Cloud returned the gesture without any signs of hesitation.

"That sure was a good show," Barret said, trying to disperse the awkward air that was slowly creeping into the confined space.

"Yeah," Cloud agreed. "I wish that we had more time to spend here. I heard that the show changes every other night."

"Yeah, I heard that, too. It must be pretty great for those folks with the Lifetime Passes." Barret grinned as he thought of all the fun one could have if they had guaranteed entry into the park for the rest of their days. There were more games to play, Chocobo Races to bet on, and Battle Arena matches to fight and watch than any one person could take in on a single day pass. It would be well worth the gil spent to obtain such a pass. This was especially true if a park visitor was savvy enough to collect the respectable amount of GP it took to purchase a Golden Ticket, instead of buying a Lifetime Pass out-right.

Barret leaned back against his seat and searched his brain for something else to talk about that didn't have anything to do with crazed ex-SOLDIERs or friends who committed honorable suicides. He tried considering what his life would be like after all of the madness passed and the world's inhabitants were left with the ruins of their many mistakes.

He shook himself lightly to halt that line of thought. This was supposed to be a date, a time to have fun, not yet another reason for him to worry about the hell they would face once they left Gold Saucer to continue on their journey. Barret cleared his throat and opened his mouth to suggest that they get something to eat, but Cloud spoke up first.

"Do you want to go watch the Chocobo Races? I heard that Spark's Lightning is supposed to be a sure thing." Cloud tilted his head to the right and grinned at Barret's confused expression.

Barret covered the slip by letting a smile of his own spread across his face. "Sure! I could do with a bit of extra money. Who couldn't, right?" Barret rubbed his hand along the edge of his seat in anticipation. The races were the perfect distraction. They would give him a chance to come up with something more to talk about, while giving him an opportunity to openly admire the kid.

He had been more than slightly concerned when his growing respect for the boy's performance during his first, and only, hired job for AVALANCHE shifted into the realm of muddled feelings and unintentional lingering touches as he handed Cloud weapons and eating utensils alike. He had shaken the thoughts off and chalked them up to the undeniable loneliness that ate away at him in the wake of Myrna and Dyne's sudden deaths.

He hadn't expected to be left alone in the world, unwillingly abandoned by both his best friend and his lover. He had always counted on the fact that if one of them should ever leave him, of their own free will or otherwise, the other would be there to take up the slack, to comfort him without making him feel like a sniveling bitch for lamenting his loss. But they had both disappeared from his life without a proper good-bye, as 'proper' as partings from those he cared about could be.

And so he had duly ignored those initial twinges of unexplained enthusiasm at the realization that Cloud had decided to stay with them and fight against Shin-Ra's strength. He told himself that he was merely returning the favor when he took up Cloud's own quest, reasoning that he and Marlene were in just as much danger as anyone else, so he was fighting to protect them as well. He insisted to his nagging conscience that his desire to pursue Cloud's cause had absolutely nothing to do with the way he enjoyed Cloud's rare moments of freely given conversation, or the way his sweater sometimes rode up on his lower back when he leaned over to polish his sword or reach for an item that was just within his reach.

He heartily assured himself that his determination to see Sephiroth buried within the Planet's dried up earth certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he allowed himself to think about the blonde as he laid in his bedroll at night, doing his best to stifle his moans as he jerked off at the thought of the boy’s hands tracing the insides of his thighs.

Nope, nothing to do with any of that at all.

Regardless of his continued denial, Barret knew better. He knew that it had everything to do with his initial confusion at finding himself attracted to another guy. Sure, he'd had close male friends all of his life, but what man didn't?

But to actually think about kissing another man? To honestly consider what it would be like to share a bed with that same individual? It was madness, a sin, and completely debauched. Even so, Barret discovered that bit-by-bit, part of him wanted to know what all of the hoopla was about. What all of the condemnation frowned down on. What all of the idle chatter about men who fucked other men like women was about. It had to be something pretty damned good if everyone he knew had an opinion about it.

It was about then that he firmly decided to ignore all of his doubts and the rumors that he'd heard and the worst of his curiosity that chomped at his sanity. He brushed all of that away in one fell swoop the moment he drew Cloud aside from the girls to ask him if he wanted to go out and enjoy the park together. Alone.

He'd thought to himself, What harm could come from one date, right?

And then there was unease.

2008-06-05T21:38:26Z

It's back. With all certainty, the itch to write has finally returned. Not that I couldn't make something happen if I needed it to or was bored enough to write more of my poetry. But this is different. This is journal entries and original fiction and a bit of fan fiction creeping in. I haven't used it yet, but I'm plotting and planning.

I felt it two days ago as I lay on my bed and had just finished devouring "Princess Mia" in mere hours. It was this sort of strange tingle at first, but it grew and there it was. I don't think that I've been as thrilled about my writing side in a little while. Well, outside of the 100 word prompt table I drew up for myself, but have only had false starts on it thus far.

What I need, without a doubt, is time and space to write. And now that the library is open again and I don't have to slum for the worst hours every day, I just might be able to get that done.

Work and home life are Not Great, as usual. The fridge went out and my mom is rockin' the ice it down method. She demanded that I give her money for ice and I told her, as I did four days ago when the fridge quit, that we need to get a new fridge. I told her that I'd be willing to invest in something that will stick around a bit long than a bag of ice. Besides, I've written off all of my expensive food as trashed, because I can't stand to dig through it and watch it rot.

Work is it's usual horrible self with every bit of encouragement to quit and give up. And I have to say, that I feel very close to it. I've moved past not wanting to work extra shifts to nearly calling in on my own. I can't afford to quit right now, but can I really afford to continue to torture myself this way? How much of this can I really take? Some days, I almost wish that they would fire me already, but mostly I know that I can't wholehearted wish for that, because we are being kept afloat by my meager wages.

I'm just exhausted.

This is not helped by my recent lack of sleep. I'm talking about me not being able to get to sleep until five or six in the morning and then having to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I don't know how I can keep going like this, because it's worn me out.

What I need to do is finish up here and then go home for a nice, long nap. You know, despite my copy of Crisis Core and its guidebook not being there waiting on me, even though my eBay seller received payment a week ago and are located here in the US.

Then, there's the fact that the best pair of earphones I have ever owned in my entire life were broken on Monday, because I was trying to listen to some stupid girl go on about how she wanted to stalk her ex-boyfriend/baby‘s father. It seems that everything that she does when it comes to him is stupid. I know that I should be all understanding, but I've been understanding and, frankly, I don't have any sympathy left for her. I can't say that I have it for any girl that hangs around with some idiot guy who sold drugs, pimped out a woman who was in love with him, ran around with fuck knows who, all while he's living with someone he claims that he is going to marry. I mean, what is up with people's drama these days?

I know that I bitch a lot, but I'm just so overtaken with my feelings of not being satisfied. I know that I should just shut and pay my bills or find something else, but it is never that cut-and-dry. I guess the same way that it is for Tiffany, aka 'some stupid girl.' But even so, the root of my problems will come back to me and my inability to overcome bullshit, to overcome my ego and my apathy and my apparent masochism. It all comes down to me; but, I have to wonder, will I give myself the help I truly need?

On an LJ note, it looks like the LJ staffers have finally learned their lesson and are going to drop the whole child porn and related craziness. I swear to god, if they do and stick to it, I'll go renew my Paid account right now. I'll keep this journal, but I always have to go over there anyway, because not everyone moved to a different site when LJ lost their shit.

I think that I'll go piddle around on Neopets and see if there are any CDs I want to listen to here. I can rip them, transfer the songs over to my PSP, and I'm in business. Oh! I don't think that I wrote about it yet, but I bought a PSP off of eBay specifically to play Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core and I am still learning all of the cool stuff that it and my laptop can do. It's just too bad that my laptop's integrated microphone decided to cop on me. Bastard.

Even so, the other stuff that I know how to use works fine and I got my PSP's software updated last night with the help of Chris, which was awesome. Now, I just need to finish Transformers: The Game and await CC's arrival.

I just went and tried to bring up my original journal from when I was 17, and the site is down. I'm absolutely panicking, because I didn't have a back up of that journal anywhere and I just lost six years of my life just. like. that.

My chest hurts. . .

Danielle

Update? Say wut?

2008-05-10T20:42:19Z

So I'm sitting here in McDonald's not far from work and I'm looking at a closing night ahead of me. I am hoping that it won't be too bad, because it'll fill my hours out to about 36 hours for this week, which should balance out the lack of hours I'm going to get in the upcoming week.

Work this week has been all over the place. For three days straight over the last weekend and into the beginning of this week, I wanted to quit so badly. It was like everyone was going out of their way to drive me absolutely crazy. A few of my more annoying coworkers chose to do what they always do, start shit about ridiculous stuff. And of course, the assistant general manager sided with them, because she's tends to favor the servers no matter what they've done, or didn't do, as the case may be. It's just so frustrating to have to work in an environment where harassment is condoned by the managers!

Some guy just came up to me and I started to tell him that I didn't have any money and to give him a nasty look, because he had just walked by me and appeared to have looked down my shirt. Well, it turned out that he was checking out my laptop and came back to ask about the difference between AMD and Intel processors. Wow. Have I been treated like crap enough?

I just told him that I read a TON of customer product reviews and compared them with against one another and specs lists when shopping for my laptop. He said that he was having some trouble selling something with an AMD processor and I told him that AMDs work, but sometimes they will give you problems and that was likely the cause of his trouble selling.

That was just so random to have someone I don't know come up and ask me about computers. I can finally feel all posh. Heh.

I have decided to give myself a structured challenge to write something, but my previously adamant 100 word count has wandered off somewhere, because I'm rather digging writing whatever word count I need to get my point across. The main focus of the challenge is to write smut. That is one area that I need to practice, since I hardly ever write any and it always comes out lame when I do. I don't know who I'm fooling, but I'm going to give it a try anyway.

If I completely suck at it, I can always switch over to something else and no one has to read the fics I discard. Mostly, I just need some privacy and motivation. I wish that I were ovulating, because sex is the only thing that I can think about. What with the miracle of life attempting to gain a foothold and all.

I'm due at work in an hour and a half, but I think that I will start heading that way in about half an hour or so. I don't want to be there any earlier than absolutely necessary, but I want to make sure that I have time to change or clock in early if I need to.

I really need to get around to uploading all of my videos on YouTube. I am so far behind on creating new video journal entries and uploading the ones I already have that it's not even funny. But then I'm not doing much with my Inbox either, because I'm either busy, tired, not able to get online (!!!), or lulled by the blahs. Ugh.

I'm in blah mode right now, but maybe Britney's sex-filled grinding soundtrack will help me out. I ripped Blackout from a now-former high school friend. If Britney and all of heavy breathing can't get me in the right frame of mind, heaven knows what will.

Danielle

Danielle is. . .

2008-04-14T21:22:31Z

Not Happy.

Or, rather:

Really Frustrated.

Which leads to:

Feeling Inept.

Even though she:

Has What She's Always Wanted.

Yes, okay, I've made my point now. I'm not 100% happy at the moment, even though I've FINALLY got the laptop I've been researching and saving up for for months now; and dreamt about longer still. I've got the sporty Dell that I've always imagined myself quietly typing away on, shaping my written masterpiece.

And now that I've gotten it, I can't help but feel slightly disappointed on occasion in the week since I bought this still-nameless beauty. It's loaded with Vista and everything a roaming girl like myself needs. I've even got the built-in webcam I've wistfully pined after, even though it'd cost and arm and a leg extra on top of the first born I'm shelling out for portability.

Still, I managed to find this computer on sale, despite the fact that I had to dig into my rent money to get it. I figured that I should get it now before all of my computer fund was gone from having been spent on bills. This is ALWAYS the case with money I put to the side, which is why I usually don't have a savings to speak of.

I just went and checked on the processing status of my very first YouTube video. It went through! It took some doing and research on file compression and quite a bit of help from Windows Movie Maker, but I managed to upload a 3.6 GB file on YouTube. Yay! From now on, however, I won't make any of my videos that long, even though I can compress them rather well now.

I also had to look up FFVII: Crisis Core, since that has taken over the FFVII fandom in time that I was distracted by other fandoms. This is sort of unfortunate for me, because I've been craving old FFVII fics like the ones I used to devour two years ago. It'll take some doing to find them, because everything's got game spoilers in them now. Hopefully, I can save up, buy a PSP and play the game.

That sounds absolutely crazy, because I was very undecided about buying a PSP before this. I mean, I thought about it, but I was considering getting the PS3 so that I can play Heavenly Sword. This is especially worrisome, because I don't even touch the PS2 anymore. I think that mostly has to do with me switching over to that long DVD watching period I went through and only just finished.

Now that I have the computer, that's going to be my main obsession until such time that I can lay my hands on a PSP and Crisis Core. I wonder, would Craig's List have a good deal on one? Better yet! I can see if Best Buy has a good deal on one. I have a $10 gift card that I can add to. I need to research this further if I am to ever be able to read FFVII fiction again.

And speak of fiction, I rather need to get on to my own original fiction, but I really need a suitable work space at home. The library is okay, but what if I can't find a seat one day or the Internet is down? True, I don't need the Internet to write, but it's part of the experience. *coughs*

I have work in about half an hour and I've got mixed feelings about going in. On the one hand, it's exciting to see the new remodeling that's going on. We're getting a COMPLETE overhaul. But, I'll still have to deal with the same people. Boo.

What I need to do, now that I have gotten my vacation and laptop purchase out of the way, is to really buckle down about getting a new job. Something that I can do on the side to make extra money fairly soon. Of course, I've considered a bit of freelance writing, but I couldn't depend on any of my stuff being read unless I had a contact in the industry, which I don't. I suppose that I could look around on the Internet for a website or something, but that'll take time I don't have at the moment.

Mostly, I need to work on that whole 'Happy Place' thing, because that seems to be the way to trudge on through the crazy that I tend to be surrounded by.

Danielle

Because I am Black, I MUST vote for Barack Obama.

2008-03-06T23:54:25Z

Note: I originally typed most of this up last night (Wednesday, March 5, 2008), but didn’t have a chance to double check or post it today. So, “last night” in this entry actually refers to Tuesday, March 4, 2008.

________________

At least that is what the media and the atmosphere of my local voting location insisted when I went in to vote last night. Not only was this sentiment a recurring theme of the day amongst the buttons, tee shirts, and stickers adorning the Obama supporters at my voting location, the candidate advertising signs lined along a narrow strip of grass that separates my former elementary school from the street screamed this absolute for all the world to see.

Of course, this is not taking into account the lone older woman I saw holding a heavily damaged Hilary Clinton sign and information handouts, who looked close to spitting venom at having been given the least favorable assignment of the day. She pretended not to hear me when I asked for one of her handouts, so I asked again. She looked me over, passed me a glossy advert, and tossed a tired ‘We appreciate your vote’ in my general direction. Other than her, there wasn’t a single Hilary Clinton sign present among the temporary forest of support for Barack Obama and Bruce Mosier.

It all amounted to this: I, Danielle, am a Black American. Therefore, I need not look elsewhere for another candidate, but instead should blindly step into line behind the first African-American male that presents the best chance that my people have ever had at reaching the White House's Oval Office. I should forget about any other candidate and what they have to bring to the presidency.

Right?

Wrong.

Oh, so wrong.

True, I do believe that we should support one another as a people, because unbelievable strength does grow within the community, but is that the only choice I should be offered?

It seemed apparent to me last night that my traitorous vote for Hilary Clinton morphed me into someone who was not fit to attend the much-anticipated Texas caucuses. Or, rather, our limited knowledge of the caucusing process was shamelessly exploited by Obama's supporters.

From the moment the caucus' written voting process began, the event was treated as a rally solely to support for Mr. Obama with little regard for the Hilary Clinton supporters that might have been present amongst the gathered crowd of over 300 people. After the votes were taken up, most of the crowd was dismissed if they did not wish to become a delegate or an alternate. Those of us who were left, about half of the original crowd, were instructed to separate onto either side of the room depending on which candidate we preferred.

Mr. Obama had the lion's share of those voters still present. However, there were eight of us who sat together supporting Mrs. Clinton.

Eight.

That was it.

Sure, there were a few others who lingered on our side of the room, but they turned out to either be confused, not capable of moving, or from a visiting district.

And so we turned to the Obama supporter who spent most of the evening directing our caucus. He informed everyone that we were going to have a prize of $100 given away to those people who stayed. The Obama supporter had the would-be delegates on Mr. Obama’s side of the cafeteria participate in a head count and then awarded number 77 $100 without so much as looking at our small group of Clinton supporters.

Naturally, there were complaints from our side. This resulted in the men and women who were directing the night's events rushing over to quiet the comments with excuses of the Obama supporter providing the money himself and that Hilary Clinton did not stand a chance for receiving any delegates from our area. Our area had 30 spots to its name, and not one of them was going to be given to us, not even one.

Of course, this sparked more complaints about the fact that we were not even given the opportunity to count off or participate in a giveaway, as the Obama supporter had turned his back to us and ignored our table while he directed the 164 people that readily flocked to Mr. Obama's side. In an attempt to mollify our group, the Obama supporter reluctantly dug into his pocket and pulled out another $100 bill. He humored us in a count off and awarded number 3, one of the most outspoken of Mrs. Clinton's supporters, $100 in hopes that we would merely be quiet and leave.

After that was finished, they moved on to a visiting district that was holding their caucus at our location. The proceedings got as far as the five visiting Hilary Clinton supporters' count off and subsequent award of $100 before we were asked to leave.

That, was my very first caucus. It was filled with taunts and finger-pointing and being ignored.

And here I foolishly thought that a caucus vote would ultimately count for something, since it occurred among a smaller group of people. In the end, my vote counted for nothing in my eyes. We were condescendingly informed that Hilary Clinton did not have enough people in her court, and that we either had to join Obama's side or leave the building.

Still ringing in my ears is the way that Obama’s supporters urged us to join them and them letting the retreating Clinton supporters know that ‘It’s not too late to change your minds’ as we left. I can still see in my mind the way that one Obama supporter would make a snide comment to the group, only to be hushed for fear that the evil Clinton supporters would complain once more. Is that really what caucuses are really supposed to be about? Is one candidate's group of supporters intended to have the run of things and show everyone else to the door?

That may be the case, as we were told that those were the rules of the caucus. However, in all of his adamant insistence of that particular rule, the Obama supporter with the pockets lined in $100 bills conveniently forgot to tell us that we could temporarily stay in the Obama camp if we wanted to attend the caucus, and could change our support toward Hilary Clinton as a later date.

Why weren’t we given that information? The Obama supporters were all too eager to tell us that our numbers counted for nothing and to show us the door, but why didn’t they also tell us that there was still a way to make something happen for the candidate of our choice? It wouldn’t have helped their candidate, that’s why. The entire night was as fixed as a carnival game.

So much for coming together in the Black community.

If I had known that there was even a chance that I could have effected some change in a democracy that I have long seen as a dysfunctional waste of time, I would have stayed and fought it out. I would have readily used the vacation time and my laptop computer fund that I have been dutifully saving to travel wherever need be to support Mrs. Clinton in her run for the White House. But I wasn't given the chance.

This situation was not entire the Obama supporters' fault, even if they were willing to manipulate a situation to their advantage and outright bribe register voters. No, I am partially to blame here. I could have researched the caucuses better, because not knowing should not be an excuse. In this case, I didn't even know that our caucuses existed up until last Friday.

I have been voting since I was 18-years-old and I never knew. I've even voted in a previous presidential primary before, and not one word was mentioned on the news or elsewhere back then that I could attend a caucus to submit a second, legal vote for my candidate. I'm 22 now and I don’t feel like ever bothering to vote for anything again. For what is the point in playing a game that's rigged? What is the point of voting for anything other than the status quo, if you're merely going to be steamrolled in the end?

To be perfectly honest, I have only been participating in the voting process to more or less honor those that sacrificed their own well being so that I would have the right vote just like white males. Twice my kind, both women and African-Americans, were shut out, but we made it there in the end. Quite frankly, I don't see a point in voting for anyone or anything, but then that's the way politics are supposed to operate. Aren't they?

Danielle

9:19 P.M. - 10:06 P.M.

So. . . My divorce is being finalized. . .

2008-01-29T20:59:34Z

Today is the final day that my Extra Icons feature on LJ will be active. Had the last year of LJ's stupidity not occurred, I would never have come this close to letting my extra icons lapse. As it were, they went apeshit and I came here to InsaneJournal, whose paid accounts receive more icons by default than I received from Extra Icons and "Loyalty Icons" combined.

113 icons spaces.

That's all the room I have on LJ to display some of the best, funniest, most interesting, and kickass artwork to be summed up in 100x100 pixels of whoa!.

When you only have six, formally three, icon spaces to work with on a free LJ account, it seems like all the room in the world. Sadly it isn't and even IJ's 250 default icon spaces will eventually be filled up if I stay here for three+ years, too.

It kind of makes me sad to have a faraway deadline suddenly in my face. I put off transferring all of my icons over here, because it's tedious work. Anyone who's changed journals could tell you so. Then, there was the not-even-believed-by-me dual-journal thing I was working with. To be completely honest, I hardly ever go by LJ unless I’ve heard on this site that something interesting had happened, I get an email about a news update and want to see what new shitstorm LJ is attempting to kick up, LJ's chase_jack needs an entry approved, or if I want to occasionally check on something. That's pretty much it.

I didn't want to delete my LJ account out right, because I have had it three+ years and it was paid up until this year. I also didn't want to waste my money by deleting an account I had plunked down hard-earned money to maintain.

An extremely dramatic and corny part of me can't help but mentally compare this to watching a slow death. You know, how it's said that one sense goes first and then another and another until there's nothing left but darkness and a flat line. That's definitely how this comes across. The Paid status goes out at the beginning of next week. I do have to wonder if LJ somehow went back to the way it was, would I get my loyalty icons from my previous paid time back? I mean, it's only fair, because I was loyally paying to continue using the better features all of that time; and would have gladly continued to do so if LJ hadn't lost their shit.

I'm guessing not, because New LJ's all about money and I'm pretty sure that they will simply say that more "Loyalty" spots would have to be earned. This is just as well, because loyalty to a company has to be earned from its user base. Looking at things now, I can see LJ not only not being able to completely pull it off, but not giving a damn to do so. That, makes me saddest of all.

I just need to go double check that I have back ups for the pictures I have stored in LJ's laughable Scrapbook before my account expires. If I can avoid having to manually transfer anything else over, I will.

Danielle

It's the most wonderful time of the yeeeeeaaaarrrrr!

2007-12-07T03:04:55Z

So, I've been meaning to come and ask this for a while now, but I've had very little time online as of late.

So.

I'm asking now.

Would anyone like to receive a holiday card from me? If so, leave your info in the comments of this entry. All comments are screened, so your info won't be outed. If that still makes you uncomfortable, you can email me at betagirl23 at yahoo dot com.

Do let me know if you want my info in return.

Also, I still have my address list from last year that I am going to work from. If you received a card from me last year and your information has changed, please let me know so that I don't send a card to the wrong address.

Cheers!

Danielle

Bit of Catching Up

2007-11-26T17:56:23Z

Taken from: telesilla

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever.
One foot in dmitchell1985, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

I have to say that I feel a little scandalized and a bit violated if anyone actually did this. I'm also sure that this is someone's kink. *cough*Someone being some lame guy I messed around with in high school.*cough* Still, it seemed to have gotten the part about men right. </snark>

It's good to finally be back online after being away for ages now. The library I usually go to closed down since last Wednesday and the public library was little better.

Even though I had to swallow the severe disappointment of not attending the Ren Fest this year after waiting to do so for years and friends who suck, I DID get to see "Hitman" on Friday. It was SOO good, that I have been plotting a means of seeing it again ever since. I'm probably going to have to wait until my next day off to go back out to the theater and it's absolutely KILLING me! Timothy Olyphant is just so good and hot and just plain lovely in this. Yes, I did say "lovely." It was the shower scene, really, where I thought that he was lovely to look at.

It’s so full of action and a few moments that had me going "Wut???" But, not in a bad way. Most of it was suspense, one of the other huge scenes was where the sex we were pretty much promised didn't happen. I would just about kill to see the two leads have a go at one another. I have to look up fiction for them! Even so, I did like the sweetness of their relationship that was shown at the end. I always find it nice when mean or evil or seemingly heartless people have a nicer side to them. Call me an optimist, but I just LOVE that in film and in fiction. And in real life, too, but who ever truly buys that a mean person is trying to be nice in real life, huh?

What I can't believe is that Timothy is 47!! Forty freaking seven! He doesn't look like he's out of his thirties in the film. And I'd say borderline mid-thirties, too, because he looks young enough that he would play a late-twenties/very early-thirties-aged character. Crazy times.

I also got a load of writing down at work yesterday, despite how busy it was. I wrote before the shift started and a bit more when it calmed down. I am working on a John/Rodney drabble for pegasus_01, who wrote me a Rodney/Ronon drabble-y bit. Her drabble already looks more like a mini ficlet than a drabble. When I had to finally give up trying to write, I was at three written pages and counting.

I still need to go through my email, so I am going to finish doing that in a bit. I also need to type up the fic, download the David Hewlett interview I STILL haven't heard and catch up on Neopets. I am so far behind that it isn't even funny. I guess that the week I was sick before the week that the library shut down didn't help me either. Meh.

Danielle

Meme and Stream

2007-11-21T02:30:25Z

Okay, originally did this meme more than three months ago. I was going through my entries and decided to do it again. This is what I got:

Why is it that even though everything else has changed, I'm still being sent off to MySpace land? Is someone somewhere trying to tell me something.

I'm currently going through my voice posts over on LJ, because sometimes I simply can't make it online to post anything. Well, I didn't realize that I had posted quite so many. I am trying to go back and add proper titles and such to them. I really should get them transcribed, but hell, LJ is supposed to have a feature that does so automatically for me. Apparently not. Despite all of their cheer and assurance that they did have such a service available. To be honest, I'm not really surprised that yet another product LJ is backing doesn't work properly.

I also had a glance over their latest "news" update and it's riddled with ads. Way to go, LJ. Way to fucking go. As that entry has been posted for more than a day now and only have a few hundred comments, I have to say that folks just don't care anymore. You know, since this is the only dreck they can expect to receive from LJ.

I'm also going through my email and clearing out some of those old comments and such. I am really bad at this whole email thing sometimes. I honestly don't have the time I need on some occasions. On others, I just don't feel like dealing with a full Inbox.

I think that I want to finish up here and go find some fiction to read. Why, oh, why, aren't there excellent chunks of good Ronon/Rodney fiction to read?

Oh! Speaking of which. Not sure if I posted this here or not, but I created a community for them. Ronon and Rodney, I mean. I titled it gunsandphysics, because it's awesomeness. No, really. It is.

Anyway, I am just hoping that the community will attract some like-minded folks to write the fiction I am always craving. There just isn't enough good fiction out there.

Okay, I've got about 35 minutes left in here, so I better be off.

Danielle

Drabble Time!

2007-11-21T01:29:26Z

From: pegasus_01

The first 5 people to comment on this post get to request a drabble of their choosing from me. In return, they HAVE to post this in their journal. The rule is, don't ask unless you plan to pass it on! I reserve the right to request a different prompt, but name your fandom (or don't) and a phrase, situation, title...

Areas I can, for the most part, easily write:

Harry Potter
Lord of the Rings
Final Fantasy VII
Star Wars (-ish. I might need to look up who you're talking about, because it's so HUGE.)
Stargate Atlantis
Stargate SG-1
Underworld (both movies)
Smallville
Kingdom Hearts (I and II. Haven't played Chain of Memories, yet.)
Real Person Slash (if I know who they are.)
Real Person Fiction (if I know who they are.)
Original Fiction

Anything else and I might have to look it up. All pairings are welcome and I'll even give your kinks a go as well. Just give me a word or idea to start with.

Danielle

Wut?

2007-11-15T04:02:39Z

So I'm washing my brain of the yucky "Jason Momoa and the baby he had by cheating on his last chick with his new chick stroll captured from Lisa's (Bonnet) weirdo birthday dinner with Lenny Kravitz and her other kid" by Googling conventions near me. Nothing is more confusing to me than trying to figure out the website for a convention I want to attend.

That's one of the biggest reasons that I have yet to attend even one convention. The other big reasons are a general lack of funds to afford those damned conventions and my lack of knowledge about them ahead of time. So I thought it would be fun to look up things near me in the coming year. I already know that I can get around Texas for a relatively small amount of money. At least, a smaller amount of money than if I went to some of the better-known conventions that have all of the absolute best celebrities I actually want to see.

I found mostly anime conventions, which were interesting to look at. There are actually a few of them located right here in town or close to it. I am thinking about attending one, simply because I'd really like to do. You know, despite me not being a huge anime fan or anything. I'd just really like to give it a go. Besides, this con is supposed to cost WAY less than those other ones.

I know that it takes expenses and all to run these things, but exactly WHY are these prices so high?! For the most part, I'm certain that it's the talent being booked that's taking up most of the fees and such. And really, exactly HOW MANY fees must a person pay to bask in some two-bit celeb's limited glory? I love my shows and all, but its not like seeing them is going to save my life or anything.

Sure, I'll be all changed and everything, but that's more about the entire experience of attending a conventions and finally meeting fans as crazy about stuff as I am. And really, I'd love that a whole honkin' lot, because there simply aren't enough people that I talk to on a daily basis that like the same things that I do. Or, at least that I can hang out with, because we all have these work schedules and babies and husbands!

All right, so they have the babies and husbands, but I'm still getting part of that, since it affects me. Ya know?

I'm also writing for Nano in a very roundabout manner, because I'm bottling things like there's no tomorrow and my ideas might spoil if laid out for the world to see. And not even the entire world, just me, too. I'm writing on this wayward fic that's supposed to be a Rodney-centric drabble, but it's now meandering on to parts unknown with no plot in tow. I guess that I wouldn't mind quite so much if I actually knew where I was going with this and didn't think that I sounded quite so stupid writing it. Guh.

The lobby's going to close soon, so I'd better get off of the computer in a few minutes. I think that I'll go home and drown it all out with television. Nothing kills creativity and brain cells quicker than good old television.

Speaking of which, I didn't win my box set of SG-1's season one. I missed the ending bid by $0.50! Fifty freakin' cents! GUH!!!

Danielle

Danielle's Holiday Wish List for 2007

2007-11-12T23:54:57Z

So, I've done this before in the past and I thought I'd finally get around to doing it again. I have spotted maybe one other wish list (*waves to irana*) and I'm sure to see many more now that I've joined wishlist_2007. (Check the comm's info page for information on the wish list deal.) I've already granted one wish. Care to try and beat me out on who can grant the most wishes? ; )

Either way, here's my wish list.

(1) I want a way to make actual money, not just barely enough to get me by, but an honest-to-goodness means of actually supporting myself and my family. I can't be broke forever, people!

(2) Ronon/Rodney fiction. As nice as I love to write them and as much as I am "getting around to" sexing them up, I probably won't do so anytime soon. I'd love more than anything to read these two in excellent, fucking-like-rabid-animals fiction. Plot would awesome, but hot sex owns.

(3) A holiday card exchange offline. I had so much fun with it last year that I want to do it again. I even want to send out those Valentine cards that I didn't have time to send out earlier this year. That made me sad. : (

(4) Cake. Yummy, yummy cake.

(5) Someone to spend my time with. Everyone's always working or has kids or is married now. Danielle gets lonely, especially when there's something fun I want to share, but don't have anyone around to share it with.

(6) A computer!!!!! I have been employed a year now and still can't afford a computer. Not even a used one to write on in lieu of having the Internet and all of the other whistles.

(7) The ability to write without hesitation. I'm making headway in getting back into the habit of writing and expressing things once more, but I am more or less prone to bottling everything up.

(8) A date with someone I actually like! I'm sick of jerks, so that's why I don't waste my time on them. Where are all of the dorky people like me that aren’t taken, straight, or intimidated by me? : (

(9) Postcards and letters. I miss those. I swear to god, Becca that I'm going to actually send those letters I've been writing for you.

(10) For my mom to be happy and relaxed. We might not get on all of the time and we fight to hurt one another, but there is no denying the amount of stress that she's under. I just wish that she was happy and had the job she needs. It's been more than two years of unemployment for her and we never know if we're going to make it or not. That always drags me down, too.

Okay, so my lists are usually rambly, personal affairs that really can't be solved by other people, but I thought I'd put that out there in the universe. Think of it like a prayer. Heh.

Anyway, I really should be doing something productive right about now.

Danielle

How will you be suspended from LJ? by Anonymous LJ User
Username
Years on LJ
Snape
Hours left until your suspension	23
Your crime	Legolas/Gimli fic where Legolas is only 103.
Who reported you	_ataraxis_
Your fate	One word: MySpace.